Michael Cohen Blames Blown Career On Parents: 'I Wanted To Be A Doctor!'
Orange Troll fixer, Michael Cohen, currently up to his beetle brows in $%#!, blames his Holocaust survivor parents for his becoming a lawyer, “When I shoulda been a doctor!”
Cohen’s mother, a nurse, and father, a surgeon, told the budding criminal that they didn’t think he had the brain power to make it through medical school.
“I think they just didn’t want to pay for it,” says Cohen. “I don’t get it,” he added. I mean, what Jewish parents wouldn’t want their son to become a doctor?”
A source who “prefers to remain anonymous” told The Flake News that money wasn’t the issue. “Michael’s parents were no fools,” he said. “I mean, these were two smart, tough people who made it through the Holocaust, for Chrissake. With both of them being in the medical field, naturally you’d think they’d want their kid to follow suit. That said, from what I heard – they knew, early on, that Michael was a sleaze in the making. We’re talkin’ putz and a half. Think about it: Who puts a picture of their daughter in lingerie up on the Twitter? If you ask me, Michael’s ‘gornisht helfn.’” (Translation: Beyond help.)
When asked why Cohen’s parents thought he’d make a good lawyer, the source responded, ”Because they didn’t believe there was any such thing as a ‘good lawyer.’ To be honest, I’d have to agree. You don’t have to be all that smart to make it through law school. Just a gangster.”
Since, if justice is served, he’ll be going away for a while, we let Cohen have the final word. “I love my parents,” he said. “But I’m really, really p.o.’d. If they’d just let me go to med school, I coulda been something. I coulda been a contender. Instead of a felon – which is what I am.”
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