Donald Trump: Not the President America Wanted, But The Hero America Needed (Part I)
The Flake News investigative reporter Paul Zilinski has been missing in action for several weeks. Though the “official story” was that he was relaxing on vacation, the truth is he was working deep undercover to unearth the true story of President Trump. Most of the sources for this story will remain anonymous and the White House will no doubt challenge the veracity of this reporting. However, we nonetheless decided to publish this story to put some context with the inexplicable decisions, events and controversies that have plagued this administration.
As I sat down with this source, I immediately noticed he was extremely on edge and kept looking around as if any instant someone would jump out of nowhere to kill him. He didn’t say much at first but after a couple of drinks he loosened up a little. “People will never understand…” he exclaimed. He went on after another drink, “Donald Trump is the one of the greatest heroes in American history and no one will ever believe it or truly understand why!” He then outlined an incredible secret history unknown to most people, a history that diverged from what we know at the height of the Mayan Empire.
The Mayan Long Count Calendar began 5132 years ago and ended on 21 December 2012. Some people thought that this date marked the end of the world, others thought this marked the beginning of a new age. It turns out the truth was a sinister combination of the two. The beginning of this calendar actually marked the appearance of a dark enemy in Mesoamerica; these creatures emerged from another dimension and were parasitical in nature. They had the ability to control humans from within their bodies and were a menace to Native Americans in Central America. It wasn’t until towards the end of the Mayan Empire that they were repelled, the portals to the other dimension were closed, and all traces of this enemy were removed. The Mayans saved the world, but at great personal cost; they suffered too many losses and their culture eventually withered away, making them an easy target for the Spaniards when they finally arrived. They used a dark magic that would eventually wear off and they knew the exact date that it would happen, 21 December 2012, and they knew that at this point these parasites would start reappearing here again.
Turns out that their math was spot on and that exact date is when these parasites started appearing, and few people knew of this threat save for a secret society of Mexican Ninja Warriors that fought them off as best they could. They couldn’t do this alone though and a secret prophesy foretold of “The Chosen,” an incredible warrior and leader that would be able to unite people and fight these beasts, eventually eliminating them for good.
The Chosen was Donald Trump and he’s been working with the Mexican Ninja Warriors since he was very young, training to fight off these parasites, known as the Chupacabras. The source took another long drink and said, “People mistakenly think that the Chupacabra is so named because of the fact that it literally attacks and feeds off of goats. Nope! We’re the goats!!” If you look at everything that has happened in the current Administration through this lens, everything all of a sudden becomes crystal clear. “Name three crazy things that President Trump has done while running for President or after becoming president and I can show you how it’s connected to this and how he was actually doing something heroic!” the source said.
Almost immediately I responded with, “building the wall and making Mexico pay for it.” He smiled and said, “I thought you were going to give me a tough one.” He took another drink and said, “these parasites entered our dimension in Central America. Mayans built the Pyramids near these portals as a way of marking and guarding them. If you have an invading force that is creating an Army and wants to control the world and you know that they will come after the United States to do it and that they will come from Mexico, what are you going to do? You need to build a wall and defend it!! Why make Mexico pay for it? What do you think these parasites that can control people have been doing for the last six years? They’ve permeated all levels of the Mexican government and are using their resources against us! Donald knew that proposing a wall, trying to make Mexico pay for it, and calling Mexicans killers would be unpopular; but he ran on that platform to warn the Chupacabras that he knew they existed and that he was coming for them, a dog whistle that they would hear loud and clear.”
Trump did all this never expecting that he could win. Who would vote for someone that was clearly and overtly making racists comments towards Mexicans? Obviously the U.S. had moved past this and no one would be stupid enough, racist enough or naïve enough to vote for him right? I mean, I know some people were desperate but they wouldn’t be naïve enough to think that someone calling Mexicans killers would all of a sudden become more presidential right? Turns out that yes, many Americans are stupid, racist or naïve enough to vote for that and so Donald Trump unexpectedly became president. “Don viewed becoming president as an unexpected blessing and pushed forward with the wall and continued his heated rhetoric to prepare for the Chupacabra invasion. All of a sudden the wall makes a lot more sense right?”
After a brief silence where I jotted down some additional notes, I looked at my source and said, “the Access Hollywood Tape.” The source then explained the Chupacabras controlled males and females using different methods; they control men by boring into the brain stem in order to get a better connection and better control. They control women differently because they hijack their reproductive system to procreate and so they enter and control them from within the vaginal canal. This provides a location perfect for reproduction and they control the women by boring tendrils through to their spine and subverting control from the brain. This method is less efficient than direct control from the brain stem but is necessary for them to reproduce. He went on, “these creatures enter women through their vagina and are susceptible to blunt force trauma, so what’s the best way to neutralize them when they’re controlling a women? You grab em by the p*!”
The source explained that Trump was secretly trying to recruiting Billy Bush to the cause but he knew he was being recorded so he was talking in code to make it sound like he was being sexist when he was really secretly telling him the key to killing them when they’re controlling women. When this recording came out during the election it really wasn’t an issue because, again, he didn’t think he was going to win. Who would vote for someone that was clearly and overtly making misogynistic comments towards women? Obviously the U.S. had moved past this and no one would be stupid enough, misogynistic enough or naïve enough to vote for him right? I mean, I know some people were desperate but they wouldn’t be naïve enough to think that someone caught on video making these comments about women would all of a sudden become a Champion of American women right? Turns out that yes, many Americans are stupid, misogynistic or naïve enough to vote for him.
I lean back and say to my source, “trade war with the rest of the world.” It turns out that these parasites change their hosts’ physiology enough that humans under their control become allergic to steel and aluminum. President Trump understood that this could become a powerful advantage against the Chupacabras and that he needed to at least try to consolidate the world’s steel and aluminum supply inside the United States to fight off the Chupacabra horde that will eventually invade from Mexico. The rest of the trade war is a ruse so that the Chupacabras wouldn’t know that we’re targeting these metals for the war. The tariffs were something he brought up during the campaign to plant that idea in people’s heads, again, he didn’t think he’d win so it didn’t matter. Who would vote for someone that was suggesting tariffs that could ruin the world economy? Obviously the US. knew better and no one would be stupid enough, greedy enough or naïve enough to vote for him right? I mean, I know some people were desperate but they wouldn’t be naïve enough to think that someone who greedily amassed a fortune his whole life (a fortune amassed to fund the war effort) would make economic decisions that would best serve all Americans right? Turns out that yes, many Americans are stupid, greedy or naïve enough to vote for him. So again, he used his position as president to enact these tariffs at great cost to the world, but a necessary sacrifice to save us all. At this point we took a short break; we had been talking for three hours and we had barely scratched the surface…
Photo by Michael Vadon | CC-BY-SA-2.0