Trump’s Wig Washes Up On Siberian Beach, Fox News Believes It's Sea Monster
Yesterday morning, a strange object washed up on the coast of Siberia, and one question has been on many people’s minds. What is this mysterious object or creature? The blob of unidentified material is covered in hair and weighs the same as an average human.
Fox News and several other news sources assumed it was a sea creature and covered it here. Yes, it is an unsecured connection. Are you surprised? It’s Fox News.
Speculation has been flying around the internet as to the identity of the hairy blob, but instead of speculating, we contacted Russian marine biologist, Sergei Kornev. He is now President Donald Trump’s least favorite Russian for cooperating with us.
According to Kornev, they sent samples of the material to a lab for further testing. The results arrived earlier today, and nobody could have guessed the identity of the blob. The biologist stated, “During our tests, we found the hair was synthetic, manufactured from the tears of minority groups wronged by the Trump Administration. This is how we were able to pinpoint the identity of the material. It’s Donald Trump’s wig.”
This is not the first time a mysterious, hairy blob has appeared on beaches around the world. We wondered if there could somehow be a connection. Kornev replied, “Those blobs were also Donald Trump’s old wigs. Unfortunately, Trump made most marine biologists sign a non-disclosure agreement before the fact went public. We had to tell people that the blobs were rotting whale carcasses.”
Gag orders and NDAs are common with the Trump administration, but why all the secrecy? What is so bad about wigs washing up on beaches? If anything, it merely shows that Trump needs to monitor his wigs a little better. The marine biologist was a little hesitant to explain, “Well, the blobs didn’t just consist of Donald Trump’s hair…they also contained the body of Mike Pence.”
As far as we know, Mike Pence is alive. We voiced our doubts and Kornev replied, “No, Mike Pence is dead. Trump tossed him in the ocean, with his wigs. It happened last month, when he found out that Mike Pence is actually a closeted homosexual.”
Photo by Michael Vadon | CC-BY-SA-2.0