Trump’s Lies About California Fires Turn Water Into Dirty Politics
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
Unusually for me today I’m not going to moan about my esteemed leader and the boss of the Llanaber parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim. No, today I want to focus my vitriol on the boss of Druidellau, Mr. Benjy Yahoo. He’s an evil little gobshite of the highest water.
Why would such a mild mannered and affable ‘live and let live’ chap like me make such a bold statement? (I hear you ask).
Let me fill you in with recent events.
A rather embarrassing thing happened to me this morning. When I got to work I went immediately up to the news feed ticker tape room to check what stories had come in overnight. You may recall that since Mrs. T. sealed up the entrance to the room from the corridor the only way in is through Mrs. Trim’s office, squeezing past her desk.
It happened that I was particularly early this morning and so was in the building ahead of Mrs. Trim, or so I thought. When I saw the ‘big chair’ behind her desk was empty, I could not resist the temptation to ‘have a go.’
Mrs. Trim’s chair is a magnificent thing to behold. It’s leather covered. It revolves in either direction! It goes both up and down! And, as I discovered to my immense satisfaction, made a delicious ‘wheezy’ noise when my butt slowly sank into it.
Best of all was the surge of adrenalin that hit me from just sitting in ‘the big chair.’
I spun to my left, then my right. I went up, then down.
I got off it, then sat back on it again.
I was in heaven.
But my feeling of elation turned to terror when I heard the office door opening, and Mrs. Trim chatting away to someone.
What to do? What to do?
I had nowhere to run. I would be caught by Mrs. Trim ‘in flagrante delicto’ with my butt in her ‘big chair’!
I slid under the desk and hunched up into a ball, making my body as small as it could go. I crouched there trembling, my ears alert to the sound of every movement in the room.
I heard the door close.
I heard Mrs. Trim in conversation with one other person.
I recognised the voice straight away.
It was none other than the boss of Druidellau, the prosperous village to our north and the man that heads up the Druid’s tribe, Mr. Benjy Yahoo!
Even though they were whispering I could hear every word as clear as daylight (not Llanaber daylight, I mean daylight from somewhere a bit less foggy).
What I heard sent a wave of shivers through my body. I will recount the conversation below as accurately as I can:
Mr.Y: Read this Binky
(There followed the noise of a sheet of paper changing hands).
Mrs. T: (Reading)… ‘California wildfires are being magnified & made so much worse by the bad environmental laws which aren’t allowing massive amounts of readily available water to be properly utilized. It is being diverted into the Pacific Ocean. Must also tree clear to stop fire from spreading!...’ So what? It’s just another tweet from the living God and self-confessed greatest man on earth, the Duck.
Mr. Y: Don’t you see? Trumpelstiltskin is turning the utilization of water into a political weapon. It’s sheer genius!
Mrs. T: I don’t follow.
Mr. Y: California’s on fire, right? Firemen are risking life and limb round the clock to put the fires out. The places where the fires are burning are surrounded by lakes. There is no shortage of water for the firemen at all! But the ‘comb-over king of fake news’ says there is! What’s more his lies blame the whole thing on politicians and environmental laws he doesn’t like. Even better, he says these bozos are starving farmers of water and dumping it in the Pacific just for fun. Farmers are Trump supporters. In one simple back-shafting he’s lied through his teeth, dumped on the poor buggers working their butts off to put out the fires and turned the whole situation on its head to his personal advantage.
Mrs. T: What’s this got to do with us, Benj?
Mr. Y: Don’t you get it? If he can lie like a fib-lizard and politicize water, then so can we! At last I can really stick it to the Travelers and this time with public opinion on my side for once.
Mrs. T: How?
Mr.Y: I start a small fire on the village outskirts but make a big ‘song and dance’ about how it’s raging uncontrolled and threatening property and babies’ lives, all that dottle. Just for show I get a couple of blokes to throw a bucket of water at it now and again.
Mrs. T: I still don’t see…
Mr. Y: This is where you come in. You get that short-arsed butt-monkey that writes your village newsletter to print this in it tonight.
(Again there was the rustling of paper, followed by Mrs. Trim reading).
Mrs. T: Druidellau wildfires are being magnified & made so much worse by the Travelers’ bad environmental laws which aren’t allowing massive amounts of readily available water to be properly utilized. It is being diverted onto the sand dune for the Travelers to cool their Champagne, wash their prestige cars and fill their Olympic sized swimming pools. Must also clear Travelers off the sand dune to stop fire from spreading!...
Mrs. T: It’s a bit far-fetched, isn’t it?
Mr. Y: You’d think so, but look at Trump. He lies and lies and lies and lies, then he lies again. You know he’s lying because you can hear him. He lies by mouth, by tweet, even by a nod and a wink! Yet the dolts that voted for him still think the sun shines out of his butt! He can do no wrong in their eyes. So whatever he does or says by definition must be right and therefore the truth.
Mrs. T: I think I get it now… All we have to do is keep piling lie upon lie till lies become so normal that it’s easier to believe them than challenge them.
Mr. Y: You got it right there, Binky! Great! Now, go find your little butt-weasel and get this in his crappy newsletter today… Fog golf and lunch later, Binks? My treat?
Mrs.T: You bet. I’ll see you to the lobby.
I heard the office door open and close. I was alone again.
One can never ‘un-know’ what one knows. I knew there was a scheme afoot to deprive the poor beleaguered Travelers of their pittance of water. The Druids planned to switch off the one hosepipe the Druids let the Travelers have and to divert the water to put out a crappy little fire the Druids themselves deliberately started as part of this underhand scheme.
I was to be a part of this deception, and by default complicit.
I was to publish a ‘fake news’ article, the sole intention of which is to swing public opinion in favor of the Druids and their cruel treatment of the Travelers.
I scrambled from under the desk and made my way as quickly as I could to my office. There I scribbled out a story as fast as I could. Within minutes I had the evening’s newsletter ready to roll off the Xerox machine. I would make sure my story ‘hit the streets’ ahead of anything I would subsequently be told to print by my crooked boss.
I stacked up the copies of the newsletter as they rolled off the ‘press.’ Within half an hour, the ink still wet, I had handed out copies to every single villager, and most of the married ones. I returned to the office with a feeling of utter satisfaction. I knew I would ‘catch hell’ from Mrs. Trim when she saw my article. I was prepared for the worst.
Bring it on!
I felt clean.
My heart was bursting with the pride one feels when one defies corrupt power and risks all by doing the right thing.
What did I write? (I hear you ask).
Let me give you the headlines:
Benjy Yahoo Signs Off New Water Pipeline for Travelers:
“I’m delighted to commission a permanent wide bore pipeline for the Travelers to supply unlimited amounts of potable water to ‘our friends on the dune.’” Declared the leader of the Druids, Benjy Yahoo, “This will help get rid of the massive surplus of water we’re struggling to shift. Quite frankly, all our excess water is becoming a bit of a flood hazard.”
All I’ll say is that Benjy and the Duck aren’t the only ones that can play the fake news game and politicize water.
That’s it for now.
Photo by GOONTheLegend || CC-BY-SA-4.0 International