Maine Governor Paul LePage Says Excessive Gun Control To Blame For Tick Invasion
Disease-bearing deer ticks have waged war on the Northern United States and are slowly invading the country. Ticks the size of mice are carrying away kittens, puppies, and even small children. People are getting swarmed by the critters as they leave their houses and places of employment. So far, the death toll in Maine alone has reached epic proportions. 665 people have perished so far this year, and Maine residents are demanding action.
Most scientists believe the invasion is due to ever-increasing temperatures, i.e. global warming. Governor Paul LePage has other ideas though, and commented, “Do not bring up global warming to me, or any other resident of Maine. The theory is not based on any type of scientific evidence. It is a banned topic in Maine. Global warming is not causing the tick invasion.”
We asked Governor LePage to further explain his stance on the tick epidemic and he replied, “I will reiterate. Global warming is a myth. It is a pseudoscience just like evolution or equal rights. We are testing other theories. The government of Maine will get to the bottom of this rampant invasion.”
We were concerned Lepage didn’t fully understand the definition of pseudoscience, but we try not to judge. We further inquired about the governor’s theories on the invasion. “Studies done by my administration have shown ticks react surprisingly well to guns and gun violence. Watch this video if you don’t believe us.”
Governor Paul LePage pulled out his phone, scrolled through a few pictures of himself in a Winnie the Pooh costume before pulling up a video. We watched as a swarm of ticks marched on a Maine state trooper. The officer pulled his gun from is holster and began firing on the pests. He hit one or two of them before they gave up their march and turned around.
“You see?” Lepage told us. “Ticks respond incredibly well to guns. Based on this evidence, Maine’s top Christian Scientists have concluded that gun control is to blame for the ticks’ northward march.”
It is hard to argue with the evidence when you have seen it firsthand. Still, we were concerned. We needed to know more about LePage’s plans for Maine. He replied, “Well first we are going to put guns in every Maine residents’ hands. Babies and toddlers are our biggest concern, since they are most susceptible to deer ticks. We will be offering a baby-toddler firearm training course. We want our children to be able to defend themselves.”
The first ever infant firearm training course will begin later this week. The course is offered for free to all Caucasian residents of Maine. All other ethnicities must pay $100 for the course.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0