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Trump Announces Plans For Middle Earth Military Branch

Trump Announces Plans For Middle Earth Military Branch

Following Vice President Mike Pence's announcement of the United State's new military branch, Space Force, the administration is now moving forward with plans for a Middle Earth initiative. Predictably, reports had been leaking out of the communications department for days regarding the initiative. 

These reports were finally confirmed at the swearing in ceremony of Buzz Lightyear, the new Secretary of the Space Force (he narrowly beat out Commander Spock who was deemed too ethnic by President Donald Trump). It was 'The Donald' himself who confirmed the reports, claiming he wishes to "find the one ring that rules them all." While Chief of Staff General John Kelly dropped his head into his hands and began to cry, Trump launched into one of his signature non-nonsensical monologues, "the mainstream media believes the ring was destroyed when Frodo dropped it into the flames at Mordor, but the mainstream media also believes Hillary won the popular vote so that just goes to show you."

 

 

When CNN's Jim Acosta pointed out no man has ever before been able to harness the power of the ring without turning evil, Trump explained that "being the greatest of all men, ever" he thinks he'll be okay. "It'll be especially helpful when Mr. Witch-Hunt Mueller is questioning me. He asks me a question I don't like, boom, I just slide that baby right on and disappear." 

We asked Democratic House Leader Nancy Pelosi what she thought about the Middle Earth initiative. Seeming unfazed she asked "what'll be the worst thing that happens? He turns evil and decides to start ripping children out of their parents arms and keeping them in cages?"

 

 

Left Photo by Gage Skidmore  +  CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported  ||  Right Photo by Iamrosero10 + CC-BY-SA-4.0 International

President Trump Calls Omarosa 'Thicc AF' In Leaked Tape

President Trump Calls Omarosa 'Thicc AF' In Leaked Tape

Gentrifying Hipsters Mad That Target Is Gentrifying CBGB

Gentrifying Hipsters Mad That Target Is Gentrifying CBGB