Housing And Urban Development Announces Plans To Modernize Tehran
President Donald J. Trump has awoken a lesser known department within the executive branch to help him with a pet project. The president has tasked Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, with the modernization of Iran's capital city, Tehran.
Rumors were flying around Washington after reports emerged that the President had met privately with Secretary Carson, in the Oval Office, for over two hours. The curiosity quickly mixed with a profound confusion as people remembered that Dr. Carson was indeed an appointed member of the president's cabinet.
Speculation then took off like a scared housecat when Secretary Carson announced he would be holding a press conference 9 o'clock this morning on the White House lawn. Like the heroes of the Second World War, I went, so you didn't have to (your welcome). Here is what happened:
I got to my seat around 8:30, and began chatting with my journalist colleagues. I mingled and soon learned that precisely all of the photographers were tricked by their bosses to come. An equal amount of the reporters, myself included, showed up for the modest arrangement of snacks and refreshments.
It was 8:55 when a mirage appeared on the far side of the lawn. As it floated towards us, its image became more explicit. Four men approached, each carrying a corner of something on his shoulder. Was it a coffin? Was this press conference going to be opened by a live performance of Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People?
To my grave disappointment, it was not.
In fact, when the procession finally arrived next to the podium, the pallbearers turned out to be Secret Service agents. They then took not a coffin off their shoulder, but a king-size bed. In it laid a sleeping Mr. Secretary Carson and a sleeping Mrs. Secretary Carson. Curled up between them was a small bichon frise named Sammy.
I was in awe at first, but then I diverted my attention to Sammy, clicking my tongue louder and louder, hoping to attract him over. Finally, it was too loud, and an aide to the secretary hissed at me.
A few minutes later a phone alarm clock began to blare. That same aide to walked over to Secretary Carson's bedside and gently shook him awake. He sat up, looked around. His feet were dangling off the side of the bed, still being held up by the four Secret Service agents.
He got up and let out a big yawn while cracking his back. Sammy mimicked his owner, unleashing a cute, expensive-dog-yawn upon the audience. Some of us let out small "aww's," while others applauded and nodded in approval. Sammy would later go on to be elected governor of Connecticut.
Secretary Carson, still shrouded in light blue silk onesie, then took the podium.
"Thank you, thank you" he started, motioning for the dead silent press corp to settle down. "As you may know the president and I have been spending quite a bit of time together. Most of what talked about centered around the hilarious physical features possessed by other cabinet members. However, the president also tasked me with an extraordinary project. I am pleased to announce that I will be overseeing the wholesale modernization of the city of Tehran."
The press began to murmur with excitement. Those of us new to covering the White House looked ahead, mouth agape in bewilderment. However, the veterans in the press started to nod approvingly, whispering to one another things like, "Bush was never this creative."
"Now I know what you are thinking..." Secretary Carson started, "is -
"-this legal?" I yelled out. I couldn't help myself.
Secretary Carson's eyes shoot up to me. He looks startled, and generally surprised that I can talk. Then he looks at me with confusion.
"Is what legal?" he asks. He turns and points at the secret service members still holding up his bed. "That? Now, listen, the president assured me that this is within their contract..."
"Perfect," I cut him off "question answered."
The sarcasm cruise missile screams over his head, into the distance, and Secretary Carson continues.
"You must be wondering, 'isn't this going to take forever?' The answer is yes. Literally, until time doesn't exist anymore. However, I ask you to think about the future of Tehran and its people, all living in studio apartments, stainless steel everywhere. Vitamin Shoppe and Kohl's at every corner. At least one Stonewall Kitchen for every man, woman, and child."
"What do the Iranians think about this plan?" I yell out again.
"Good question. The Israelis are on board one hundred percent." Secretary Carson responded.
We were all suddenly distracted as one of the four Secret Service Agents holding Secretary Carson's bed collapsed from exhaustion. Mrs. Carson rolled over to her husband’s side, while remaining asleep, then broke wind quite loudly.
"How much demolition will be necessary?" asked a seven-year-old boy, sitting in the front row. He took a break from violently smashing two Leggo X-Wing Fighters into each other to ask the question.
"I don't know. I am just in charge of making sure that there no islands end up in the kitchens of these apartments. Thank you all for coming out! Now, let's go sell some cookware!"
The instant the words left his mouth, Secretary Carson's eyes closed, and his whole body went limp. Two aides rushed to catch his fall. They picked him up and carried him to his bed, where the tucked him in. Then, just as suddenly as it appeared, the procession faded away, becoming just a mirage once again.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0