UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Unite The White Rally Brings America’s Most Triggered Caucasians To Chocolate City

Unite The White Rally Brings America’s Most Triggered Caucasians To Chocolate City

It’s been a year since the red hat-wearing, tiki torch-waving Donald Trump fanboys swarmed Charlottesville to show their pride and protest their demand for equal rights. The right to eat their mayonnaise sandwiches in peace without the presence of people of color invading their white spaces. To have equal opportunities so they too, can take advantage of generic government-funded healthcare and enjoy lobsters and steaks on the food stamp program like their colored peers. For decades, whites have had to suffer through the privilege of being at the top of the economic ladder, and they have had it! 

Their Rally in DC this weekend will give them the opportunity to show the nation's capital they are not afraid! What better way to show fearlessness than by having the Metro system provide private train cars so they can get to and from the rally without a scratch. These men and women (most likely submissive girlfriends who put raisins in their potato salad) are not afraid to show their pride. As long as it doesn’t involve actually sitting in a green line train car next to Tyrone from Anacostia.  Of course, Metro dropped a bomb on them when they decided not to provide them with safe, ghetto-free transportation for the rally. This news made every attendee clutch their red hats. The realization that they would have to possibly sit next to a minority who could knock their lights out at any given moment, made their stomachs turn in terror. Once again, white people have to suffer through the discrimination of not being able to be racist in peace. “This is why we march!” says one triggered white male from Alabama, who claims he is tired of his people having to “fight this fight” for so long. Their ancestors risked their lives, killing an exiling so many Native Americans so their future entitled white children could have the life they deserved.

 

 

When Obama got elected in 2008, triggered conservative whites everywhere felt the institutional racism they worked so hard for, slowly crumbling as people of color gained confidence and felt that they too, could succeed beyond the limits. This was unacceptable. So, in 2016 they ran to the polls and elected Trump, their savior who could get America back to the vanilla-dominated wonderland they missed. But even with Trump's election, the threat of losing their white freedom was still strong. Not enough black men where getting killed by police, and the immigrants just kept coming despite ICE working around the clock to tear these families apart. Something needed to be done, so the triggered got together to rise up and raise awareness.

Topics discussed at the rally include the constant unfair demand for white citizens to season their meat, claiming that it is an attack on their bland, monotonous culture. Also, shedding light on the war on Christmas after a 45-year-old white woman from Springfield, IL was held at gunpoint and forced to say "Happy Holidays" at a Shop 'n Save. This controversial moment last December had the country in awe, as white Christians from all over gathered in the streets to protest. It even reached social media as people changed their profile pictures to an image of Santa Claus to show solidarity for the victim. Moments like this are why its dangerous to be white in America in 2018. No Tom or Sally is safe when every second they have to look over their shoulders in fear of a black kid selling lemonade without a permit. These are tough times, and these rallies are a safe space for conservative Caucasians to be seen and heard, as long as the police keep the scary brown people away. 

 

 

Photo by Anthony Crider  ||  CC-BY-2.0

Schumer Cancels Press Conference To Find His Glasses

Schumer Cancels Press Conference To Find His Glasses

California Stops Drinking Water To Put Out Fires

California Stops Drinking Water To Put Out Fires