Boss Whips Up Redneck Crowd To Intimidate The Free Press
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
I have always been a peace-loving person and bear ill will to no man or woman. But at this moment in time I would like to poke the head of my esteemed leader and boss of the Llanaber parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, into a barrel of sloppy sheep’s dottle.
Why? (I hear you ask).
What has happened to make the most mild mannered and benign man in the village talk this way?
Events, dear reader, events!
Let me bring you up to speed with what has recently happened.
You may recall that as part of my duties in writing the village newsletter I have to write a ‘puff piece’ about a member of the council staff, their likes and dislikes, hobbies, and how they would go about reconciliation between the Arabs and the Jews.
The name of the lucky interviewee is pulled from a hat by Mrs. Trim herself and to date she has been the lucky ‘winner’ since it began ten weeks ago. This has created a problem for me as the article is meant to be light and fluffy, and I frequently run out of soft questions to ask her. Yesterday was no exception, so after twenty minutes spent staring at my toe caps with not a single question asked Mrs. T. told me not to waste her time sitting there like a dog’s dump but instead, to ‘sod off’ and just write some facts about her.’
This I did.
Subsequently I wrote the article below for the village newsletter:
‘Mrs. Trim – The Facts!’ by David Smith (Parish Foreign Secretary and Anti-Corruption & Nepotism Tsar).
1) She is female* (*Although there is no official record of this. Dr. Mengele, the boss of the village hospital refers to her using the vague term ‘Trannie’ and refuses to tick the box marked ‘Lady’ on her medical records).
2) She is married to Lord Justice Arbuthnot Trim (formerly known as fat Leonard).
3) She has trouble with nasal hair removal, especially the long thick one that dangles down below her bottom lip.
4) She is a big pal of the boss of the Druids, Benjy Yahoo, although she insists she has never taken as much as a plump brown envelope off him (recently) for giving her support for his humane treatment program for the persecution the Travelers. However she claims that if she had inadvertently taken a bung then there are no witnesses brave enough to ‘dob her in.’
5) She has several fat children the oldest of whom is Lennie Jnr. She still has to tie his shoe laces and read him a story at bedtime. Lennie got into trouble with the village top-cop (Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller) recently for being naughty. During the 2016 election for parish boss, he tried to ‘get the goods’ on old Mrs. Clinton (the lady that runs the card shop in the high street) from a Husky-Rusky lady called Svetlana Vilalwaysputnitsinya. His attempt to shaft the card shop queen failed and an argument about who knew what and when is still running on, and will until Robbie the Bobbie agrees a figure and finally accepts the bribe.
6) It is a fact that Mrs. Trim herself has been subject to a considerable amount of controversy since taking office. Not least of this has been about her refusal to condemn Putin Lotzadosh for illegally annexing the swamp town of Bogbourne, smearing unknown substances on people’s front doors, and generally making Mrs. Trim do anything the gangster asks her to do.
7) It would be remiss of me not to mention the many sex scandals surrounding Mrs. Trim, including the bungs she’s paid through her bent lawyer, secret taper and village pervert Solly Weinstein (no relation) notably to buy the silence of the two male ‘escorts’ ‘Big Boy’ and ‘Wanger,’ and to the professional sausage-hider ‘Spanky Dambuster’ to secure the rights to his soon to be published autobiography ‘Famous Local Parish Council Leaders nicknamed ‘Binky’ I Have Bonked.’
Satisfied that I had fulfilled the brief my esteemed leader had given me to the letter, I published the article before having a warm cup of cocoa and trotting off to bed.
Imagine my shock this morning when I was unceremoniously dragged off my bike by Mateo the Knife (Head of Homeland Security and Protection from Extra Terrestrials Service (PETS), just as I arrived at the council office cycle shed. He bundled up the stairs and into my esteemed leader’s office, where I found Mrs. Trim waiting for me.
Her face was puce with rage.
In her hand, which was shaking with barely controlled anger, was a copy of the village newsletter with my puff article on the front page.
I am not slow on the uptake, dear reader. I sensed immediately that something about the article may have annoyed her.
She stepped towards me and started bashing me repeatedly about the head with the newsletter shouting, “fake, fake, disgusting news!”
I was flummoxed.
I was befuddled.
The things I wrote about were not news. They were facts.
Mrs. Trim did not falter in her assault on my head, bellowing in time with the blows, “horrible, horrendous person!”
“Want me to give him a spot of re-education and teach him to be a good boy?” asked Mateo the Knife, glaring at me threateningly.
Mrs. Trim just answered, “He can make anything bad because he is the fake, fake, disgusting news. He’s the enemy of the people! Whatever happened to fair press? Whatever happened to honest reporting? Only negativity from the fake news...”
Then, to my astonishment, Mateo the Knife whistled as if for a dog.
Moments later the two Ex-Spanibont ‘rowdies’ that work for him came bursting through the office door.
I could hardly believe what happened next.
Mrs. Trim held out her arm towards me and pointed. The moment she did, all three of her henchmen started to ‘BOO’ me loudly and repeatedly!
I turned crimson with the embarrassment and ran from the room; my head hung low for fear of further blows from my esteemed leader.
Back in my office I needed a stiff drink to calm my nerves, and took a long slug from a bottle of Elderflower water I keep in my desk drawer for such occasions. As I felt the sickly sweet nauseous fluid hit the back of my throat I started to calm.
The sense of injustice!
I had done no wrong, dear reader.
I had reported only the facts.
Mrs. Trim had used her power in high office to intimidate me, a member of the free press, berating me for speaking truth to power. She had as good as set her ‘red neck’ rowdies upon me in an attempt to ‘warn me off’ ever publishing any such similar articles in the future. It was a bare faced and blatant attempt to frighten, bully and ultimately muzzle the voice of the free press.
I was only doing my job, and for that I was singled out to be humiliated and harassed by a gang of rough necks.
Would Mrs. Trim’s outrageous threatening behavior towards the honest reporting of the facts stop me in the future from ‘telling it like it is?’
Would those in high office stir up enough hate within their hordes of zealot followers to scare off those that seek to shine the disinfecting light of truth into the dark recesses of the corridors of power?
I sure will for me!
Mateo the Knife is built like a brick dottle-house! Even the Druid’s devil dogs cower when he walks past them.
In anticipation of Mrs. Trim falling lucky again next week and being selected as the subject of my member of council staff ‘puff piece’ I have mapped out a few ideas, amending it ‘Trump’ style from a piece I wrote a few days ago but didn’t have the bollocks to publish:
‘Mrs. Trim – The Bulldottle!’ by David Smith (Parish Foreign Secretary and Anti-Corruption & Nepotism Tsar).
1) She isNT not a nice person.
2) She isNT taking bungs off Benjy Yahoo.
3) Her kid Lennie Jnr isNT as dumb as a brick.
4) She isNT bunging hookers to keep their traps shut about getting rogered stupid by them in Rufflotia hotel bedrooms.
This is as far as I’ve got with the amendments. No doubt inspiration, or Mateo the Knife, will hit me tomorrow.
That’s it for now.