The Art Of A Deal: The Unauthorized Biography Of Donald Trump
I've wanted to write a biography of Donald Trump ever since yesterday. I would've gotten around to it sooner, but I didn't want to be bothered with fact-checking, citing sources and verifying crap. That's way more work than I'm willing to put into this. Then I remembered Trump once cited the Washington Post as reporting he's a "world-class businessman." The statement to which he was referring was a direct quote from Donald Trump. Now I know I can quote myself and call me a credible source. Thus making biography writing super easy. Thanks, Donnie.
The Prince of Darkness of Queens
Most people know the story of the Devil's trip to Georgia. In 1979, the Devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind because he was way behind. He was willing to make a deal. What most people don't know is the devil got behind because he'd been busy with the Trump family for thirty-four years.
In 1945, World War II ended and the Devil was not pleased with the outcome. Never the quitter, he began preparing for World War III that same year. He traveled the world looking for the perfect family to plant his demon seed before settling on the Trump family in Queens, NY. Fred Trump was the owner of a real estate company. He was married to some chick named Mary Anne. Fred Trump became rich during the Great Depression by investing in the creation of supermarkets. It takes a certain kind of evil to profit off the hunger of one's neighbors. The Devil knew he'd found his man.
The Trumps already had three children Fred probably didn't want, and he probably didn't want a fourth. But once the Devil promised to make Fred even richer by developing low-income housing for whites only, Fred signed on the dotted line. In blood. No fiddle playing was involved. Some chick named Mary Anne was then implanted with the demon seed and nine months later Donald Trump was born. The story of Trump's birth would later be chronicled in both the book Rosemary's Baby and the movie of the same name. The Rosemary's Baby story was reported in a previous post on this very site entitled Roe Betrayed. If that's not enough to convince you, both Mary Anne and Rosemary have Mary in their names. What's up with that?
Need more? Fine. The movie Rosemary's Baby was directed by convicted rapist, Roman Polanski. Donald Trump has been endorsed by convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. The star of the film, Mia Farrow, was married to Woody Allen who later left her to marry their daughter. Donald Trump wants to date his daughter. His daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany - his daughter with Marla Maples whom he barely acknowledges is a person.
The Miseducation of Satan
Not much is known of Donald Trump's childhood until age thirteen when he was shipped to military school due to "behavioral problems." Donald Trump was thirteen in 1959. Also in 1959, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens (a Mexican) were killed in a plane crash. We don't know for sure if Donnie was involved, but it might explain his obsession with Gary Busey. Busey famously played Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story. Trump's had that guy on The Apprentice as many times as Omarosa. Like Omarosa, Trump never lets him win. Does Donnie keep firing Busey to relive the thrill of killing Buddy Holly?
Trump finished high school, then attended the Wharton School of Business. A degree from the Wharton School of Business is extremely impressive to students of the Wharton School of Business. While attending the Wharton School of Business, The Donnie received a draft notice. He was able to avoid the draft with a medical deferment due to heel spurs or a heel spur, depending on when you ask him. "Heel spur" is Satan code for hooves. A fact I just made up and can be verified in the previous sentence. The United States lost the Vietnam War. I'm not saying Trump had anything to do with it, but it's very strange. He wouldn't go to war, then America lost the war. People can read about it for themselves.
The Donnie graduated from the Wharton School of Business in 1968. In the 1970s, he received a small loan of one million dollars from his father, Satan, not Fred. Donnie moved to Manhattan and started his own real estate business where he built tacky gold monstrosities and threw black people out on the street. He also bought the Grand Hyatt hotel in the Seventies. The Watergate scandal took place in the Seventies at the Watergate Hotel. I'm not saying Trump was involved in the Watergate scandal. I'm just saying it's strange a scandal happened at a hotel in the same decade Trump went into the hotel business.
The Devil Wears Prada
In 1977, Donnie married Ivana I-Can't-Spell-Her-Last-Name, currently known as Ivana Trump. Elvis Presley turned down an invitation to Trump's wedding and died later that same year of either a drug overdose or constipation. We can't confirm if Trump had any connection to Presley's death. However, Trump has been linked to the death of Presley's future son-in-law later in this biography.
Ivana gave birth to three of Trump's chinless Stepford Children between the years 1977 and 1984. The 1987 made-for-TV movie The Stepford Children starring Barbara Eden is based on the Trump kids. The Donnie was so enraged by this movie he flew to Midland, TX, where he threw a baby down a well. Baby Jessica was trapped for fifty-eight hours because Barbara Eden pissed off Donald Trump.
By the 1980s, Donnie was richer than his father, Fred Trump, not Satan. Blah... blah... blah... lots of buildings.... Blah... blah... blah... Trump Taj Mahal.... Blah... blah... blah... casinos, golf courses.... Blah... blah... blah... Trump Tower.
In the 1990s, Trump cheated on Ivana with some slut named Marla Maples who claims to be an actress. You may know her from such films as.... Marla gave birth to The Donnie's fourth chinless Stepford Child, Tiffany, whom he barely acknowledges is a person. And doesn't want to date because he's busy trying to get all up in Ivanka. The Nineties were a rough time for The Donnie. He filed for bankruptcy several times and divorced Marla Maples about five minutes after he married her and had that baby no one wanted.
Following his second divorce, Trump went all Travis Bickle on recently divorced Princess Diana. In Donnie's mind they were totally hooking up. In Lady Diana's reality there was an international restraining order. Diana was killed in a car accident shortly after Trump got served. I'm not saying Donnie had anything to do with Diana's death. I'm just saying in the movie, Taxi Driver, Travis Bickle attempted to assassinate a senator because he was obsessed Cybil Shepherd. And John Hinkley, Jr. went all Travis Bickle on Jodie Foster and attempted to assassinate President Reagan. And Trump stole Reagan's campaign slogan: Make America Great Again. People can draw their own conclusions.
The Devil's Playground
In the new millennium, Donnie married a nude model named Melania Knauss who gave birth to his fifth chinless Stepford Child, Barron. Donnie is very much in love with his young wife, but has stated he would leave her in a heartbeat if Ivanka would have him.
In 2003, Donnie began starring on a reality show The Apprentice. He claimed it was the number one show on television. It was not. American Idol was a ratings powerhouse. Millions and millions of people tuned in to watch Clay Aiken lose to Ruben Studdard. Trump never forgot it and vowed he would exact revenge upon Clay Aiken. The Donnie created a celebrity version of The Apprentice called Celebrity Apprentice and patiently waited for Aiken's fifteen minutes to end. Luckily for The Donnie, Aiken's rise to super stardom lasted exactly fifteen minutes. Donnie lured Aiken into competing on Celebrity Apprentice. At the risk of making Lou Ferrigno angry (you wouldn't like him when he's angry), Trump let Aiken make it all the way to the finale. At long last, Trump had his revenge. Eleven, possibly twelve people tuned in to watch Clay Aiken lose to Arsenio Hall.
Also, in the 2000s, LaToya Jackson made Celebrity Apprentice history by being fired and re-hired and fired again. Trump then created a show called Celebrity Apprentice All Stars where he fired LaToya Jackson a third time. Michael Jackson and Donald Trump were "good friends" according to Donnie and no one else. Michael Jackson had an apartment in Trump Tower. Michael died suddenly in 2009. Why is nobody talking about this? I just think it's strange Michael Jackson dies and then we learn he had an apartment in Trump Tower at some point during the previous fifty years. Then Trump casts MJ's sister on his reality show and fires her mercilessly three times. Could he be reliving the thrill of killing Michael Jackson? I read somewhere in something I wrote twenty minutes ago that Trump keeps firing Gary Busey to relive the thrill of killing Buddy Holly. I don't want to say it's suspicious, but it's suspicious.
The Devil's In The House of The Rising Sun
In 2015, The Donnie began fulfilling his destiny and planted the seeds for the beginning of World War III by announcing his candidacy for President of the United States.
In the midst of Trump's race for the White House, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was found dead in a hotel room. The cause of death was determined to be natural causes. Donnie has suggested his death may have been murder. Stating it's unusual for a seventy-nine year old man to drop dead. Trump also said it's strange a pillow was found near Scalia's face. In the bed. Where he died. What could make Donnie so sure it's murder? Perhaps he's bothered because Scalia's death was attributed to natural causes instead of his own demonic work? I'm not saying The Donnie killed Antonin Scalia, but he has been linked to the deaths of Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana and Michael Jackson in this very biography. Look it up.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0