UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Trump Crapping Himself, Calls For Mueller Investigation To Halt

Trump Crapping Himself, Calls For Mueller Investigation To Halt

Letter from Llanaber

...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...

Terrible news! I came into the office this morning to find the boss of the parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, rolling around on the carpet in the news feed ticker tape room clutching a string of tape and cackling like a ‘B’ movie villain. When she had calmed down sufficiently she thrust out her hand towards me and giggled, “Read this, butt-lizard.”


I tentatively took the ticker tape from her and read it slowly (I’m a slow reader).


It was an article from the US about the person she loves the second most in the world (herself being the first) Donald ‘The Duck’ Trump. It said that Trump has finally ‘dottled in his pants’ and called for his ‘sideways glancing’ bible basher of an Attorney General, Jeff ‘I recuse myself ‘cos I’m in it up to my shifty eyeballs’ Sessions to dump on Robert Mueller’s investigations into the shenanigans that occurred in the 2016 election for US president. The Duck’s tweet headed the article and I reproduce it for you below verbatim:


“..This is a terrible situation and Attorney General Jeff Sessions should stop this Rigged Witch Hunt right now, before it continues to stain our country any further. Bob Mueller is totally conflicted, and his 17 Angry Democrats that are doing his dirty work are a disgrace to USA!”

 


I must confess I also burst out laughing.


My esteemed leader’s face hardened.


“What the feck are you laughing at?’ she barked at me.


I was flummoxed.


“Isn’t it obvious?” I said.


“Go on, tell me,” she demanded.


This I did as follows:


“…before it continues to stain our country any further! It’s beyond risible!”


“I’m still waiting for your explanation,” she said, glaring at me coldly.


I did my best to show her why I thought this part of the Trump tweet was so funny.

 


“TRUMP himself is the stain on America!,” I said, as if it was three clicks beyond obvious, “This is the President of the United States for Chrissakes, the Commander-In-Chief of the free world, the leader of the strongest economy on the planet, and the man that holds his thumb over the button of the largest and most potentially destructive nuclear arsenal ever in existence.”
I glanced at my Timex.


“According to my watch he’s been in office for 1 year 193 days 15 hours and change, and the only thing that continues to stain America is the Duck himself. His presidency is a disaster. He’s alienated all his long-term allies, and cozied up to some of the worst human beings on the planet. He’s started a worldwide protectionist trade war that’s crippling his support base. He’s threatening to start a new actual war in the Middle East with the Iranians. He’s hacked off all the Arabs by relocating his US sales office in Israel to Jerusalem. He acted inhumanely to non-documented illegal immigrants by snatching their kids away, and spreading them God knows where across the US… and when it comes to personal scandals for Trump and his crew… where do I start?”


“Anywhere you like,” said my esteemed leader.


“Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal and at least three others paid hush money for Trump bonks, letting his dumb kid meet the Russian ‘shady lady’ to get the dirt on ‘lock her up’ Hilary, using his office to channel business into his properties, charging the taxpayer for use of his own businesses for him and his clutch, allegedly colluding with the Russians in the 2016 election, potentially committing treason by openly declaring he trusted Putin more than his own security services, and this is just the headline stuff.”

 


My esteemed leader looked at me and her face broke into a broad grin.


“He’s my hero,” she said, “Anyone else less dumb would have died of shame, but he’s had the ‘shame gene’ bred out of him. Do you know the difference between a Blue Whale and Donald Trump?”


I didn’t.


“Trump has the bigger head,” she said, “And, as a fish* rots from the head downwards, I reckon if somebody doesn’t pop him off soon then America’s well and truly fecked.”


*I was never good at biology but I think technically a whale isn’t a fish, it’s a mammoth.
I was befuddled, dear reader. 


Surely the downfall of the bastion of democracy and the powerhouse of the world’s economy was not something my boss wanted to see. She adores Trump and worships every ounce of dottle that falls from the cheese-ball headed idiot’s mouth. I plucked up the courage and ‘pumped’ her for more information, hopefully so the perpetual fog in my brain would lift.


“Do you think Trump wants to bring about the destruction of the free world?”


“Not Trump, you nincompoop! His boss, Putin! Trumps just doing as he’s told.”


She went on to explain to me her theory of what is happening as follows:

 


Putin nobbled the 2016 US election to get his man Trump the top job. Trump is in Putin’s pocket because he’s in hock to Putin for secret bungs from the Husky-Rusky to keep his busted businesses afloat. And, to put the icing on the cake, the comb-over was stupid enough to get himself filmed playing the ‘golden shower’ game with a couple of hookers on Obama’s bed in a Russian hotel. Putin has this on DVD and is prepared to work with Harvey Weinstein to turn it into a block buster movie called ‘#Me Too.’ Putin hates the west. Trump will destroy it for him.”


I could not help myself.


“But why? What’s in it for Putin?” I asked.


She looked at me as if I was as dumb as a brick (where have I heard that phrase before?).


“Have you never heard of the Russian sanctions?” she spat out at me.


I had but didn’t see the relevance.


“Putin’s Russia is his Kleptocracy. He’s gobsmackingly rich! He has so many zeroes in the bottom right corner of his bank statements they’ve had to make special extra-wide paper. Can you imagine what it must feel like to be that rich but having nowhere to spend it? Have you ever been to Russia? There’s nothing in their shops but pickled cabbage!”


I was beginning to see.

 


“So, Putin wants to bring down the free world so he can go shopping in America?” I said.
“More to the point, he wants to buy Busch Gardens in Tampa. He has a thing for white knuckle rides and his heart yearns for a front seat on Sheikra, but as he’s a bit of a short-arse they’d never let him on it as he’s below the minimum height requirement. However, if the western world crumbled he could pick up Busch Gardens for a few Rubles, change the rules and have as many goes as he wanted.”


It was then I realized something that should have been obvious years earlier. My esteemed leader, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, was a complete fruit-loop She was as mad as a box of frogs!
I started to edge slowly backwards out of the news feed room with the intention of heading straight up to the golf course. I knew this was where I would find the boss of the village hospital, Dr. Mengele, having his morning round of fog golf. I would convince the good doctor to examine Mrs. Trim before having her sectioned under the Mental Health Act (1983) and locked away forever in the secure ‘barm-pot’ wing of the village hospital where she could no longer do the world or herself any harm.


“Before you slip away,” said my esteemed leader as I reached the door, “Give this to Mateo the Knife for me.”


She held out one of her hand-scribbled notes towards me. I took it from her then left the room. Outside in the corridor I slowly read what she had written (you know how fast I read!). I reproduce it for you below verbatim:


‘To: Mateo the Knife, Head of Homeland Security and Protection from Extra-Terrestrials Service 


From: Binky


Subject: The Investigation into Voting ‘Irregularities’ during the 2016 Election for Council Boss


Mateo… This is a terrible situation and Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller should stop this Rigged Witch Hunt right now, before it continues to stain our parish any further. Bob Muller is totally conflicted, and his 1 Angry Democrat (Mrs. Edith Clinton who owns the card shop in the high street) that is doing his dirty work is a disgrace to Llanaber!’

 


My heart sank.


Another plagiarized Duck-tweet from Mrs. T. Is there no Trump bandwagon she will not jump onto with both feet? Is Mrs. T. trying to do to Llanaber what Trump is doing to America and what Harvey Weinstein tries to do to any woman with a pulse, whether in a coma or not?


For once I took a leaf out of President Trump’s book myself. When I sent the note to Mateo I penciled in the letters ‘NT’ in appropriate places as follows:


Mateo… This isNT a terrible situation and Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller shouldNT stop this Rigged Witch Hunt right now, before itNT continues to stain our parish any further. Bob Muller isNT totally conflicted, and his 1 AngryNT Democrat (Mrs. Edith Clinton who owns the card shop in the high street) that isNT doing his dirty work isNT a disgrace to Llanaber!


I trust I wasn’t too subtle, and if I hadn’t forewarned you, you would have been completely fooled by my intervention.


The chances are that if you weren’t, it’ll still bamboozle Mateo. He’s as dumb as a brick… now where have I heard that phrase before?


That’s it for now.


Cheerio!

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

Baseball Player Deeply Sorry For Racist, Geographically Inaccurate Classroom Mistakes

Baseball Player Deeply Sorry For Racist, Geographically Inaccurate Classroom Mistakes

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins Caught With Five Tons Of LGBT-Friendly Toys In Shed

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins Caught With Five Tons Of LGBT-Friendly Toys In Shed