Baseball Player Deeply Sorry For Racist, Geographically Inaccurate Classroom Mistakes
Amarillo Cadillacs' star player Ronnie Trainer held a news conference today to apologize for racist comments that he made in a public setting several years in the past. The digression was first reported by ESPN senior reporter thirteen-year-old Johnny Newsboy. Newsboy's Geography teacher Miss Melons inadvertently leaked the damning information, acquired when she coincidentally also served as Trainer's Geography teacher when he attended the same school.
In what appeared to be a prepared statement, Trainer explained, "When in the eighth grade at Martin Luther King Jr. Middle School, while taking the final exam for Geography class, I accidentally misspelled the country name of 'Niger.' I don't know what came over me and that is something I would never do again. I want to apologize to the African-American community in our country and abroad. I want to apologize to my black teammates, friends and girlfriends and assure you that I meant no disrespect. I was young and I did not understand the possible consequences of my actions."
"I also must apologize for my mother, who very often used the term 'spic and span' to describe how clean she wanted my room be. I want to apologize to the Hispanic community on her behalf, and assure my Hispanic teammates, friends and girlfriends that neither she nor I meant any disrespect. She was old and did not understand the possible consequences of her actions."
"Lastly, I want the citizens and fans in Amarillo, throughout Texas and across the nation to know that although I stole a fudgesicle from the drugstore when I was eleven, I did not enjoy eating it, and I paid for it the next day. I have not stolen anything since that fateful day, and I do not have a fudgesicle problem. I can assure you that I am here to win ballgames, and that drugstore owners in town do not need to hide their frozen treats when I visit their stores, as was reported by ESPN guru-senior reporter fifteen-year-old Beverly Youngbloomer."
"I strive to be a better man and a better person each day, and I hope you can forgive me these past transgressions. I look forward to bringing a championship to Amarillo."