Family Research Council President Tony Perkins Caught With Five Tons Of LGBT-Friendly Toys In Shed
For those of our readers in the dark, the Family Research Council really hates gay people. In 2010, they were classified as an anti-gay hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, and they actively campaign against LGBT rights, such as same-sex marriage, civil unions and adoption.
The Family Research Council is a group dominated by hate and bigotry. So naturally, we found it hilarious when last Friday, police found five tons of LGBTQ-friendly adult material, and other miscellaneous sex toys in Tony Perkins' storage shed. The officers were operating on an anonymous tip that Perkins was hoarding explicit images.
A search warrant was issued for Perkins’ residence and that’s where officers stumbled onto the hoard. “There was glitter everywhere,” commented one of the officers, “you could not breath without getting glitter in your nostrils. There were double-sided, let's say 'toys,' just littering the floor, and most of them were used. Everywhere you turned were cardboard boxes full of dirty magazines. I’m not homophobic, but it was too much for me.”
We reached out to Perkins for comment on the matter. He sent us a video of two squirrels fighting over a nut and a smiley face emoji. Confused, we sent him a question mark. He responded, “Oops wrong person lol. What’s up Flake News? You want to know about all the gay stuff found at my house, right?”
We nodded our heads before realizing we had been texting, not talking in person. He responded, “Well I am not gay, not even a little bit. See, that storage building was supposed to be filled with explicit straight material, but the anti-straight, LGBT hate groups framed me. They took out all of the straight stuff and replaced it with gay porn.”
The disbelief showed on our faces here at Flake News. Perkins picked up on our disbelief immediately somehow, even though we were still texting. “Homosexuals are the devil. They are possessed by the devil. It is unnatural and immoral. Pornography is perfectly natural, but when it shows a relationship between a man and a woman.”
We stopped responding.