Loose-Brain Giuliani’s Barking Mad Interview On Cohen ‘Cheers Us Up’
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
I had just come down from the news feed ticker tape room, chortling my head off and tears of laughter streaking my face, when I was accosted by old Thomas the gravedigger (honorary title – the village doesn’t have a graveyard).
“What’s so funny?” he asked me.
I told him I had just been reading a copy of an interview Donald Trump’s lawyer, old ‘loose brain’ Giuliani, had given to CNN in America about Michael Cohen. It was like Butch Cassidy telling reporters, ‘I wouldn’t trust that Sundance Kid as far as I could throw his horse!’
“If you think that’s funny,” the old duffer said, “Read this.”
He then thrust into my hand the latest copy of the Druidellau gardening magazine, ‘Thyme.’ Featured on the front cover was Mrs. Trim’s new legal eagle, Ruby ‘The Rottweiler’ Guillotini. The ‘growbag-mag’ promised inside an exclusive interview with the formidable court room brawler. I quickly hurried to the gentlemen’s restroom for an uninterrupted ‘read and relief’ session.
The interview was between Ruby Guillotini and the organ’s editor, Hymie Finklestein. The subject under discussion was the recent ‘police concert’ given by Mrs. Trim’s recently sacked lawyer, her ex-confidante and ‘partner in crime’ and the official village pervert, Solly Weinstein (no relation).
Honestly, dear reader, I hadn’t read more than a few lines before it was necessary for me to stuff a clean handkerchief in my mouth to stifle my laughter, and my concentration on ‘other important matters’ in the cubicle was shot to hell.
I will reproduce for you the interview below verbatim:
Mr. F: I gather you are not too happy about the recent disclosures Mrs. Trim’s ex-lawyer has made to Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller about his secret recordings of meetings he had with the boss of the Llanaber council, Mrs. Dorothy Trim.
Mrs. G: (N.B. For the purpose of brevity I have condensed Mrs. Guillotini's 32 minute long rambling curse-ridden polemic into a few words) - You’ve got a really bad guy here.
Mr. F: But before you started working for Mrs. Trim, you and he were besties, weren’t you?
Mrs. G: George Washington would have said that about Benedict Arnold at a certain point in time.
Mr. F: But didn’t you once say he was honourable, and so honest it was biologically impossible for him to ever tell a fib?
Mrs. G: What the hell are you picking on me for saying [Weinstein] was an honest, honourable man when I didn’t know he had recorded a conversation with his client? He was shaking people down for money, he was lying about what was on a tape and manipulating, doctoring tapes? I didn’t know any of that. George Washington didn’t know Benedict Arnold was a traitor!
Mr. F: But didn’t you publicly propose marriage to him on the big screen at a soccer match and demanded he gave you babies?
Mrs. G: The git is a scumbag. Did you know Robbie the Bobbie has seized more than 180 tapes made by Solly, which I personally watched the ratbag doctor? No one on the tapes knew they were being recorded, and for the record, only one of those tapes contains Trim’s voice. The rest were about village maiden’s feminine hygiene issues!
Mr. F: If Solly’s suddenly such a ratbag then doesn’t that reflect badly on Mrs. Trim’s judge of character, bearing in mind how close they were for years?
Mrs. G: She turned out to have a close friend betray her, like Iago betrayed Othello, like Brutus put the last knife into Caesar. It happens in life, that you get double-crossed.
Mr. F: Can I quote from a recent e-mail sent out by Mrs. Trim, “Is Robert Muller ever going to release his conflicts of interest with respect to Mrs. Trim, including the fact that we had a very nasty & contentious business relationship, I turned him down to head the village Homeland Security and Protection from Extra Terrestrials Service (PETS) one day before the appointment of Mateo the Knife & my Foreign Secretary’s smelly Bloodhound Comey is his only friend.” Any comments on this?
Mrs. G: Don’t forget Robbie once borrowed a box of paper clips from Mrs. Trim and he’s never ever EVER given it back! If that’s not a conflict of interest then I’m a crooked lawyer!
Mr. F: Hmmm.
Mrs. G: (Shouts) SOLLY PICKS HIS NOSE – I know that for a fact.
Mr. F: This is getting to be a silly conversation. When will Mrs. Trim let Robbie the Bobbie interview her about the voting ‘irregularities’ during the 2016 election?
Mrs. G: This is getting to be a silly conversation.
Mr. F: I just said that! Answer the question.
Mrs. G: I think the odds are against [an interview] but I wouldn’t be shocked if [Trim] wants to do it. I’d be flabbergasted!
Mr. F: Go on…
Mrs. G: … er, I retract the words ‘shocked’ and ‘flabbergasted.’ For the record I meant to say ‘delighted’ as Binky has nothing whatsoever to hide… nothing, nada, zilch, niente, niet, nuffink, nichts…. And, for the sake of argument, if she did have a really big guilty secret or two… or more, then under the new parish council rules recently introduced by Binky herself, she has the absolute power to pardon herself and wipe the slate clean… And, under a new rule soon to be introduced, accuse her accusers of exactly the same crime her accusers had accused her of… I think.
Mr. F: When do you think this investigation will reach its conclusion?
Mrs. G; We’d like to get this over by September… 2068. Now, where’s the free bar you promised?
It took me nearly half an hour to regain my composure sufficiently for me to resume my tasks, but composure was necessary. Mrs. Trim was due to meet Gicopo Macaroni, the recently elected new boss of the small village to the south of Druidellau, Pizaland, and I was instructed to be there to take the minutes.
Mrs. Trim is a little bit fond of the new, young leader. When he was elected I recall she said to me, “He’ll sort the buggers out and get the trains running on time!”
Macaroni has introduced a new and interesting policy on immigration. Pizaland borders the beach where the Druids keep the Travelers corralled on their tiny sand dune. Life for the Travelers there is abysmal, thousands of them crammed on the one dune with only one hose pipe, and the Druids forever building settlements on the less foggy side.
As a result many Travelers try to sneak into Pizaland in twos disguised as Pantomime donkeys. They inevitably get caught, especially as it’s hard to outrun devil dogs inside the front and rear end of a tarpaulin mule costume.
Macaroni’s policy is to bury those captured up to their necks in sand on the beach at low tide, then leave them unsupervised to devise an escape plan before the tide returns. It’s been quite successful so far. Not one of them has made a second attempt to sneak back into Pizaland or complained to Gwynedd council about inhumane treatment.
Mrs. Trim is so impressed with this policy she issued the following statement after macaroni started this regime. I reproduce it for you now verbatim:
"I agree very much with what Gicopo is doing with respect to migration, and illegal immigration, and even legal immigration. He has taken a very firm stance on the border, a stance that few villagers have taken. And frankly he is doing the right thing in my opinion by drowning the buggers.”
I think Macaroni’s policy has given Mrs. Trim ideas on how to solve our illegal immigration problem should we ever have one. She’s beginning to look at the enormous sink hole in the village high street as a long term storage option.
That’s it for now.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0