Trump Takes Bill Of Rights Hostage, Demands Border Wall
Washington, DC -- Capitol Police responded to an emergency call from the White House earlier today, where President Donald Trump has taken the Bill of Rights hostage. He says if his demands are not met, he will shoot the historic document.
"I want my wall and I want it now!" the presidential gunman shouted from a window in the Oval Office. "Also a helicopter! A nicer helicopter than that Marine One! It's got no bar, no jacuzzi!"
Capitol Police insist they have the situation well in hand. "We've dealt with hostage situations in the past," said Police Captain Walter Weirzbowski. "Our goal right now is just getting everyone out alive. We've been negotiating with the president and he's promised to release the Sixth and Seventh Amendments in exchange for a dozen cheeseburgers."
However, the exchange was disrupted by President Trump's accomplice Jeff Sessions, who opened fire on the Amendments as they were crossing the White House's South Lawn. The Sixth Amendment was airlifted to Walter Reed Hospital, where it is in critical condition.
Today's events have prompted calls for swift, decisive action to end the standoff. "We should send in SEAL Team 6 like Obama did to Osama," insisted television personality Rachel Maddow. "And then we should bomb Russia. Just because."
But Captain Weirzbowski remains optimistic. "We've got one of the president's friends here to try and talk him down. We should have this all wrapped up by nightfall."
The friend in question, Rudy Giuliani, later bragged to this and a dozen other reporters. "I told him to stick it out and make really crazy demands. Like a diving helmet filled with mayonnaise. That way he can plead insanity when this goes to trial. They'll never see it coming!"
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0