Fox News Offers Man Sandwich To Be Liberal Pundit For A Day
“Mmm…” said Ozark Mcmellon who lives in an alley behind Fox News headquarters in New York, New York, as he took generous bites of his turkey sandwich. “The good people from Fox News got me this panini, and whatever drink I wanted under three bucks at Starbucks. Hallelujah!”
Mcmellon took a drink to wash down some of the food.
“All I had to do was go on their shows and call President Donald Trump a racist, and say how his travel ban was unfair, that he needs to stop tweeting, that he shouldn’t make fun of menopausal women, or call women fat, or make fun of their plastic surgery and how he shouldn't separate kids from their parents, worst president ever, look over the protocol sheet before you meet the Queen of England.... you know, that whole tangent.
“But then, I had to let a bunch of Fox News hosts yell at me all day long, and tell me how wrong I was. When they did that, I just pretended I was in my cousin’s whiskey distillery with unlimited free samples and a nice record player - my happy place.”
Flake News asked Mcmellon to elaborate on his experiences that day at Fox News.
“Okay, so you know that white 8th grader (who Flake News later identified as Tucker Carlson), yeah, well, he asked me to name the seven countries affected by Trump’s travel ban. I could only name five. When that happened, I have never seen anyone smile as big as Mr. Tucker Carlson did. He told me I got two wrong in addition to being short two. Then he named all 7 just like that, crisp. I have never seen a man seem more proud of himself.
“Yes indeed, Mr. Tucker Carlson grew ten feet taller on that day, I tell you,” Mcmellon said with a philosophical grin on his face. “Way I see it, if I can help a man with his self esteem, I have done something.
“Then, who’s that fella looks like he’s got an Appalachian silver fox carcass with all the knots combed out just lying there on his head? Just lyin’ there. You know, the one who has the very open homosexual relationship with that there Donald Trump...who coincidentally has a Louisiana Orange Fox a lyin’ on his head…”
Flake News looked at Mcmellon, confused.
“You know, the one who treats Hillary Clinton like she took his virginity and won't call him back, because she thinks he's annoying, and she knows she made a mistake, and she should have known it would be like this, and would it kill her to date someone her age-”
“Sean Hannity?,” Flake News offered.
“Yes! Anyway, then they had me on Mr. Hannity’s show. And, after a whole lot of clobbertrompin and a here and therrin’ and so forthin’, Mr. Hannity asked me a direct question. I was so busy pretending that I cared about what he was sayin’, I didn't even hear what he had to say.
“So, I started to ask him to repeat it, the question that is, and he starts screaming ‘ANSWER THE QUESTION! ANSWER THE QUESTION!’ Well, I didn’t hear the question!
“Anyway, with all that yelling, I got nervous and I wet myself. The producers weren't mad though, they said it happens all the time at Fox News, where the guests sit. They said that was why the chairs were plastic and they had special absorbent towels on standby and they actually had bedpans underneath the chairs. They even had a code for it, I heard them use it over the headset, 'code trickle down.'
“It was strange, the whole day the producers were kind to me, but the hosts acted like I was the only thing standing in between them and the title bout heavyweight championship belt. They wouldn’t even look at me, they would walk up to their desk like a crazy man, like John McEnroe, spittin’ on the carpet, talkin’ to themselves, jumpin up and down, stretchin’, gettin’ all hyped up for the take down.
“I told one host who was actin’ like that ‘hello’ as she sat down. Just bein’ polite, you know. I think it was Judge Jeanine Pirro, and it was like I jolted her out of some sort of trance. When I said hi, she looked at me with this look I hope I never have to see again ever in my life, like a rabid gypsy woman who just had a fillet steak stolen from her. She just started screaming, ‘Air strike! Kill them all, incinerate, IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT, I WILL!’
“Just then, a producer came on set with a syringe and two big fellas in white coats grabbed Judge Jeanine Pirro and restrained her while the producer gave her the shot. This calmed her down right away, and she started breathing slower again, so she could do the show.
“Despite all that venom from the hosts, the producers were consistently nice to me and patted me on the back and kept saying ‘perfect!’
Mcmellon stopped and started to fidget, seeming very uncomfortable. He looked at the ground.
“That is not ALL that happened today…”
“What is it?” Flake News asked. “What else happened?! Your skin has gone pale, Ozark.”
Mcmellon sighed and looked far into the distance, reliving an already dark memory he had tried to bury.
“There was something weird that happened later in the day, and I don’t know if I will EVER get it out of my head, not without extensive, expensive psychotherapy. You know that woman, the one who is dating Donald Trump Jr. - Kimberly Guilfoyle? Very attractive young lady. Looks like a mix between Gina Gershon and a Puma?
“I had seen her walking the halls at Fox News, dipping her head into cubicles, gossiping, that sort of thing. She was wearing one of those lovely power skirts women are wearing these days. She had a white blouse on that was unbuttoned pretty far down.
"I was on my way to the bathroom, the men’s bathroom, cuz I had to go. And all the sudden she jumps right in front of me and says, ‘Hi there, I’m Kimberly. Thanks for taking the time to be on Fox today. I was wondering if I could take a picture of your genitals...for my collection.’ Now, I have NEVER said no to a pretty lady asking me to take my pants off, ever! So, I said yes. She followed me into the men's restroom and into the first stall on the left. I dropped my trousers, she took the picture and said, ‘Why are they blue and yellow?’
“I politely said ‘they ain't never been the same since I had relations with that raccoon. She said ‘I see, do you mind if I attribute your genitals to Arnold Schwarzenegger?’ I said 'sure'. Still don’t know what she meant by that. She then said, ‘great, thanks, this was fun.' Then she left.
“There it is. I have seen all sort of things in my life...never that…”
Flake News just stared at Mcmellon for a second.
“Aaaanyway, it all sort of wrapped up nicely. The makeup crew and costuming and the lighting guys sort of clapped for me when I wrapped for the day. They was real nice.
“When it was all done, two of the producers were walking me down to Starbucks to get my payment and I told them I was grateful.
“But I asked them why they didn't just find someone smart, trained, well put-together, with a decent shave and a haircut who was adept at the art of debate to be on these shows to represent the left. Someone who could really put together an argument, and challenge Mr. Hannity. Mr. Carlson and Mrs. Pirro.
“Their answer was: ‘Because then you wouldn't get your sandwich!’”
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0