Childish Threat By Boss To ‘Close Down Government Over Border Security’
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
Troubled times ahead, I fear. I was ambling to the parish council offices through the swirling fog this morning, enjoying the peace and quiet of the village before it wakes when I was rudely accosted by the official village gossip, Mrs. Winfrey. As her ‘day job’ she cleans the parish council offices and she had her cleaning accoutrements about her person when she clattered into me with her galvanized buckets.
“I’ve just come from work,” she said, “You’ll never guess what?”
I had no chance to have a stab at what ‘what’ might be because she thundered on regardless. Once again it was several stories conflated into one long gossipy blurt. I will recount what she said as accurately as I can below:
“Mrs. Trim’s going to close down the council unless Gabriel Alejandro Fredrico Facundo Emilio Ricardo Thiago Agustin Pablo Estrada (Gaffertape for short – The recently elected new boss of Spanibont) coughs up $25 billion to build a fence to stop the undocumented extra-terrestrials from getting back into Spanibont to adopt their kids back!”
I had an inkling of what the mad old bat was running on about for two reasons.
Firstly, yesterday evening I had seen a newsfeed ticker tape article about the cheese-ball headed, self-effacing Braniac and fanny magnet, Donald Trump. In it he’d childishly threatened to close down the US government if he didn’t get his way on his request for $2.5 billion fund to build his notoriously pointless border wall with Mexico.
Secondly, yesterday I’d also had a meeting with my esteemed leader and the boss of Llanaber parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim. It was not a good one. She showed me a pile of correspondence between herself and ‘Gaffertape.’ There were at least a hundred letters, half sent by Mrs. T. the other half being Gaffertape’s replies. The precise content of each individual letter is of no consequence as the general gist can be summarised thus:
Mrs.Trim: When are you going to start building entirely at your expense using your labour and materials the 3ft high fence constructed in wood and nails as per the diagram I sent you, along the border between our two villages to prevent Spanibont ‘rowdies’ crossing into Llanaber and causing mayhem by saying hurtful things about ugly babies, cracking jokes about men in speedos and selling recreational drugs at discount prices, well below those of our official pusher, ‘Iolo the Dope?’*
(*Mrs. T. doesn’t use short sentences.)
Gaffertape: Bog off!*
(*Gabriel Alejandro Fredrico Facundo Emilio Ricardo Thiago Agustin Pablo Estrada does.)
I was acutely aware that Gaffertape’s continued refusal to fund the very long fence along the border between our respective villages is a constant frustration to Mrs. Trim. I can see it from Gaffertape’s point of view. The fence would be of no use whatsoever to citizens of Spanibont. They actually want the rowdies to sod off over here and give them a bit of peace and quiet now and again.
Unfortunately, this fact hasn’t yet sunk through into Mrs. Trim’s thick bonce. However, in the meeting we had yesterday there was talk of an ‘alternative plan.’ Even an idiot like Mrs. Trim knows you can only bang your head against a brick wall (or wooden fence) for so long without suffering brain damage.
However, I hold out no great hopes for Mrs. Trim’s border wall project with her ‘plan B’ either. This is as follows:
At the next parish council meeting Mrs. Trim intends to instruct the council to pass the following motion into parish law - A ‘build that fence’ surtax is to be imposed on all villagers not entitled to vote, i.e. everybody in the village except for those that own a shop in the high street and those with the donkey ride and bouncy castle concessions on the beach. The surtax cost per villager will be calculated using the following formula:
Total cost of fence construction (materials + labour) / total villagers eligible to pay + £10 per villager additional charge*
*This is Mrs. Trim’s consultancy fee for dreaming up the ludicrous scheme.
“Keep this to yourself, short-arse,” Mrs. Trim said to me at the end of the meeting, “I know what a blabbermouth you can be.”
This I did, only giving the scheme only the briefest of mentions in yesterday’s village newsletter circulated to every single villager, and most of the married ones (and a copy to the Druids, obviously – Oh, and one to Gaffertape out of courtesy).
So it was somewhat of a shock when I arrived at the office following my encounter with Mrs. Winfrey to find my esteemed leader in the lobby waiting for me.
She was in a proper lather and spitting feathers.
“Someone’s blabbed about my surtax plan!” she snapped at me, “And when I find out who it is, Mateo the Knife will be giving the ratbag a thorough ‘re-education.’”
It transpired that the remaining council members had let it be known to Mrs. T. that they wanted nothing to do with the surtax and intended to vote it down if it was proposed.
“I’ll show the buggers,” she snarled at me.
Then, taking hold of my left ear lobe and twisting it hard, she marched me up to her office. There she scribbled out a note in her spider-like handwriting.
“Here!” she barked at me, “Make sure this gets to all councillors today, and shove a copy into your crappy newsletter as well.”
I trudged out of the mad old bat’s office without reading what she had scribbled. It was only when I was back at my desk I found the strength to face the bad news. I reproduce for you below verbatim what she had written:
To: All Council Members:
Subject: The ‘Build That Fence’ Border Security Project
“I would be willing to ‘shut down’ the council if you prats do not give me the votes for Border Security, which includes the fence! Must get rid of Spanibont riffraff gobbing off to our tourists and under-cutting Iolo’s already keenly priced recreational drugs. ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ is fed up with the rowdies ‘Catch & Release etc.’ and wants us to finally go to system of letting rowdies in based on MERIT!
P.S. Put it through ‘on the nod’ and there’s a bag of my toffee fudge in it for each of you!”
I could make no sense of her drivel, but I circulated it as instructed and printed it in the newsletter that evening regardless.
I know our village top-cop spends a lot of time rounding up the rowdies.
I know he spends hours dragging their kids from their arms and throwing them into hastily built cages.
I know he wastes a ton of cop-hours throwing the adults onto the last bus to Spanibont every night, only for them to return the next day asking villagers if anyone’s seen their kids.
I know Mrs. Trim’s fence technically would help alleviate Robbie the Bobbie’s problems with rowdies.
But to bully the council! To threaten to close down the legitimate government of the village just to get your own way is intolerable.
And then her final insult… to challenge the honesty, integrity and incorruptibility of the councillors by offering them each a bung in the form of a bag of her toffee fudge!
No, dear reader, NEVER!
However, had she offered her Turkish Delight, well…
That’s it for now.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0