23andMe Shares Alex Jones’s DNA Hoping To Produce New Anti-Diarrheal Drug
In a controversial discovery, it appears DNA analysis company 23andMe has been sharing genetic data with the drug testing giant GlaxoSmithKline. A spokesperson for 23andMe came to the defense of the company, explaining the idea only came about after the receipt of the DNA of political pundit Alex Jones.
“We at 23andMe admit we have been sharing genetic data with GlaxoSmithKline. Upon receiving Alex Jones’s DNA sample we realized there was a unique opportunity we could not pass up. Jones is the first example of DNA that seems to develop fecal matter on its own, without ingesting any food or nutrients. Jones’s cells literally produce pure waste at a record pace the likes of which have not yet been seen by modern medicine. His DNA has been shared with GlaxoSmithKline to develop the most powerful anti-diarrheal drug possible. Our hope is to use this drug to save millions of lives, particularly in the third world, using Jones’s cells that produce inexplicable amounts of waste per day.”
Clinical trials are still in development and have yet to begin. Scientists are baffled by the secretion of waste by Alex Jones’s cells, particularly because he has not had a drink of water in an estimated ten years. “This could be a tremendous opportunity to help those without access to clean water,” said a lab tech who wished to remain anonymous. “I don’t want to be associated with Alex Jones in any way until we have made some progress with the testing. Until he has proven to be of some help, he remains a literal fecal stain on this lab.”
It is unclear whether Alex Jones is a genetic anomaly or if these results can be replicated. 23andMe has developed an interesting, albeit unethical, way of testing the medicine when it becomes available. Another anonymous lab tech explained the sneaky process. “We are not yet at this phase, but we have been in contact with a number of Infowars staffers who say they can easily slip Jones samples to test. It must be taken on its own as we need to know how it works, independently, so putting it in food is out of the question. Luckily, it appears Jones regularly sleeps sitting up, with his mouth open, between takes so we are certain this won’t be a problem.” Jones’s behavior will be monitored by live stream and by regular sweat samples. “Infowars staffers have assured us that no one tampers with the sweat buckets kept under Jones’s desk.”
A few staff members at 23andMe feel deeply concerned for Alex Jones’s health and have been sending him samples of anti-diarrheal medicine in the mail. “He can’t stop spewing this disgusting stuff,” they said with genuine concern. Jones has not been taking the medicine, but he has repackaged it to sell on his show.
Photo by Michael Zimmermann || CC-BY-SA-4.0 International