Boss’ Top Lawyers Slug It Out For ‘Best Liar’ Bragging Rights
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
Fascinating developments in the village regarding the scandal involving the boss of the parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, and her private lawyer ‘singing’ Solly Weinstein (no relation). Mrs. T has hired herself a new private lawyer, Mrs. Ruby Guillotini, or ‘Rottweiler Rube’ as she is known in the law courts.
Solly is in Mrs. T’s bad books currently since he revealed to the village top-cop, Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller, that he had secretly ‘taped’ himself in his office with Mrs. T.
Apparently the tape clearly shows Mrs. T handing over a bag of used notes to Solly for him to bung a couple of male escorts, ‘Big Boy’ and ‘Wanger,’ to keep their traps shut about their ‘frolicking’ with Mrs. T in a hotel bedroom in Rufflotia during the ‘Maiden with the best child bearing hips’ competition in 2013.
The tape also included a reference to a ‘used note bung’ to the male ‘exotic’ dancer and sausage hiding expert, Spanky Dambuster, for similar reasons, i.e. advice on how to ‘find the sausage’ and bonking.
Mrs. Trim was apoplectic with rage at her erstwhile confidante and bagman for ‘spilling the beans’ to the cops. In her eyes he has betrayed confidences that could permanently drop the old crow into a deep tank of slushy dottle, hence the new legal-eagle recruit.
Let me tell you a little of the background of Ruby Guillotini.
She used to be the Mayor of Sinmerion, a large village to our north. It was a hell-hole before she took power there, and had a reputation as a place to go to ‘live it large.’
The law enforcement was risible and citizens did whatever they wanted. Let me give you some examples:
• Washing could be hung outdoors on a Sunday!
• Feeding of wild animals such as ducks and hedgehogs was permitted without a license!
• Maidens were allowed to walk the streets any time, day or night, without wearing headlights!
• Popular music made by ‘beat combos’ could be heard from open windows!
• Smoking of tobacco was permitted every third Wednesday in the winter months!
• Urinating in public restrooms was a frequent occurrence!
• Shops selling ‘marital aids’ (dishwashers, washing machines, vacuum cleaners, electric tin openers etc.) were permitted to trade unfettered in their high street!
• And, worst of all, ‘conjugation’ between a man and a woman for the sole purpose of ‘pleasure’ was permitted within wedlock after ‘lights out!’
In short, it made Sodom and Gomorrah look like Disney’s Magic Kingdom staffed by novice nuns.
Then, following a free and fair election for Mayor, nobbled at her own expense, Ruby Guillotini took power.
Changes were almost immediate following her appointment. ‘Rottweiler Rube’ introduced a zero tolerance policy to non-payment of back-handers to parish officials in high office. Soon everybody in the village was too broke to afford fun, their only comfort being an early night, or a cold shower outdoors when it was raining.
She ruled the village with a rod of iron until there were too many zeros in the bottom right hand corner of her bank statements to tell accurately how rich she was. So she resigned and set up her own legal practice.
Now Mrs. Trim has taken her on.
It will be an interesting contest between the two ‘legal eagles,’ Weinstein and Guillotini, and I’m looking forward to it. Guillotini has a reputation for being a hard-nut, but Solly is no slouch.
He’s as cunning as the king of the cunning fox’s special adviser.
At the moment they are in the early skirmishes stage, and I’ve set out a blow by blow account of what actions each side has taken to date below:
• Robbie the Bobbie released the secret tape of Solly and Mrs. Trim conspiring to bung various historic Trim bonking partners.
• Mrs. Trim issued a statement thus: “What kind of a lawyer would tape a client? So sad! Is this a first, never heard of it before? Why was the tape so abruptly terminated (cut) while I was presumably saying positive things?”
• Rottweiler Rube weighed in behind her with, “We have complained to them that he’s violated the attorney client privilege, publicly and privately.”
• Solly Weinstein countered this with, “She expressly waived attorney client privilege last week and repeatedly and inaccurately – as proven by the tape – talked and talked about the recording, forfeiting all confidentiality.”
• Rottweiler Rube then gave an interview to the Druidellau gardening magazine, Thyme, in which she claimed the recording could have been “doctored,” but did not elaborate on any evidence that would confirm her assertion, but added in conclusion, “There’s nothing on it that would concern us.”
The spitting contest took a body swerve when Solly raised the stakes by bringing up another controversy surrounding Mrs. Trim, this one concerning her ‘weeble shaped’ lizard of a son, Lenny Jnr. This one dates back to the 2016 election for parish boss. You will recall there were only two contenders, Mrs. Trim and the lady that runs the card shop in the high street, Mrs. Edith Clinton.
Let me give you the background.
Lenny Jnr. Is a complete and utter waste of internal organs. He’s so dumb he couldn’t lick a window clean. In a pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with his Mumsie-kins, he offered to help her win the ‘already nobbled’ election. He claimed to have a source that ‘had the dirt’ on old Mother Clinton. This secret source was a ‘Huskie-Ruskie’ from Rufflotia, a shifty maiden called Svetlana Vilalwaysputnitsinya. She claimed to ‘know the nasties’ about old Mrs. C. and was prepared to hand over a ‘dossier’ she’d obtained from an unknown source that owned a fruit machine arcade on the seafront.
I happened to be in Mrs. Trim’s office when her idiot son barged in and told her he was on his way to meet the ‘Bolshevik baggage.’
“Whatever,” mumbled Mrs. T with a dismissive wave of her hand as she concentrated on putting her ‘X’ into the correct place on the ballot papers due to be pre-printed to help the voters.
Suffice to say that using such information, if true or otherwise, would constitute a criminal act under village electoral rules. Funnily enough pre-printing the ballot papers with an ‘X’ against Mrs. Trim’s name does not (following her ‘I can pardon myself’ new regime rule).
To get back to my story, Solly has now claimed Mrs. T. knew about it at the time (which I can vouch is true).
Staggeringly, when challenged about her knowledge of the meeting, Mrs. Trim claimed not to have even heard about it yet!
Further, Ruby ‘Rottweiler Rube’ Guillotini threw in her hat by releasing a statement for the village newsletter thus:
“Trim’s current lawyer, me, has dismissed Weinstein (no relation) as lacking credibility. It would have to be people in the room with the parish leader that can corroborate Weinstein, which there won’t be because it didn’t happen and then it becomes a credibility contest between two or three witnesses who say one thing and the ratbag lying pervert Solly who says another. Solly Weinstein’s been lying all week, he’s been lying for years, especially about him not measuring the village maiden’s belly buttons on the sly!”
I recall the old Chinese curse, ‘may you live in interesting times.’ I think we have an interesting time ahead of us, dear reader, to find out who is the more accomplished liar, ‘Solly the Perv’ or ‘Rottweiler Rube?’
Watch this space!
That’s it for now.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0