Media: We Lied To America To Keep It From Getting...You Know How It Gets
Anderson Cooper, the unofficial president and spokesperson of the left-leaning, Ivy League-educated, good-looking, elite media recently held a press conference during which he admitted the media has been lying to the public for some time now.
“But only to protect its feelings,” Cooper said. “We know how upset it gets. It makes this face, you know, where its lip starts to quiver...man...its lower lip starts moving, wobbling uncontrollably...and it says it’s fine, but its eyes say otherwise. I can't take it. I seriously can't take it. I would rather just keep telling it lies,” Cooper said.
“I can name a few things right now that we, the media, hid from America over the years:
“I mean, it’s nothing huge. Yes, they did clone sheep and man did walk on the moon, but like George Clooney was never, ever the sexiest man alive, ever, not even top 20…
“Leonardo Dicaprio offered...favors to members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in exchange for Oscar votes. When they turned him down, he got offended and said, ‘I AM SORRY, I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. MY NAME IS LEONARDO CAPITAL D CAPPRIO, PRETTY MUCH SYNONYMOUS WITH “SEXUAL DESIRE” BRO! I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY POSTERS...ROMEO AND JULIET, I COULD HAVE PLAYED EITHER ROLE OK!
“‘I’VE GOT VICTORIA’S SECRET MODELS AT HOME RIGHT NOW FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS TO HAND WASH MY UNDERWEAR! AND YOU SIT THERE AND LIE AND TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WET ALL OVER?! LIKE HOSED DOWN! WHATEVER, YOU ARE A RUSSIAN SPY. I AM CALLING HOMELAND BRO, YOU ARE THROUGH, YOU UNDERSTAND?! DONE! WATCH THE NEWER MOVIES, NOT GILBERT GRAPE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! THAT'S WHY, LET ME MAKE YOU A LIST…”
“And A LOT of people got sex changes. Not just Bruce Jenner, but like Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek got a change one summer between seasons. Yep, he went through the world as a woman for a few weeks. Alex Trebek! I think he found that he was talked down to by mechanics, and people tried to take advantage of him at the lumber yard, so he changed back to a man before the next season of the show.
“And of course, Kris Jenner has conditional hits out on all her daughters, and the day the mirror on the wall says she isn't the fairest of them all, the hits become active...
“The people who make Dior purposefully paid someone to trip Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars. It was a real operation, they had a little gadget that went out of the stairs…”
“Uh, what else….Chelsea Clinton did blow...with me...and my boyfriend...one crazy night while we were waiting for the results of the primaries to come in.
“Mmm let's see…” Cooper said, tapping his finger on the wood podium in front of him. “George W. Bush is an excellent scrabble player, Gorbachev was gay….or bi…. Michael Jackson flew several times to Russia to teach Yeltsin how to dance. He stopped because Yeltsin wasn’t learning that well, and he was gropey, according to Jackson. In addition to that, Yeltsin would show up with eight times the legal US amount for vodka in his system.
“Barry White was a lousy lay.
“Michael Jordan refuses to play Pai Gow poker...REFUSES! Charles Barkley has a beautiful garden and drinks chamomile tea. Shaq once shut down a whole block’s plumbing after his post-Thanksgiving dump,” Anderson said then stopped abruptly.
“Wow, it’s like I took the blue pill and you took the red pill man. Let’s see, what else….
“Oh yeah, OK so Kevin Love once proposed to a bookie that he would throw the NBA Championships and he got laughed out of the office.
“Lindsay Lohan definitely ended up sleeping with a yeti once, a yeti, during one of her crazy detox camping trips in The Sierras, had a baby, released the yeti child back into the wild...swear….to...God! You have no idea!
“The Nickelback guitarist almost quit the band at the height of its success, saying, and I quote, ‘this music sucks man, y’all should come see my real band Slayer Cake!’”
“Casey Affleck, a sworn vegan, has relapsed several times a year at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, and always when they are having a special.
“Wow! It feels great to say all of this. I just feel like we all should get a beer and I could catch you up America,” Anderson said, showing signs of release, catharsis even jubilance. Then he lit a cigarette, very much holding court.
“What else. .uh...Keith Richards is great with kids.
“Loch Ness is Elon Musk and his friends messing with people, bet you didn't know that!
“Seriously,” Anderson said, shaking his head. This has been amazing for me. There is so much more I could tell you. But, I just want to go on the record as saying that I think America’s sensitivity is part of what makes it such a great guy, I mean country. And, well, we never meant to hurt you, by keeping these juicy morsels from you. I mean not me anyway, MSNBC meant to hurt you though, deeply.” Cooper said, getting up and grabbing his briefcase.
“I won't take questions now, it's too hot in here. But I will be at Billy’s Tavern for the next few hours if anyone wants to buy me one. One beer will get you one tawdry little detail about America that the media hid from you, how about it!?”
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