The Highest Level Of Special: Donald Trump
Some co-workers of mine thought it would be a good idea to do an employee review of Donald Trump. You know, because he works for us. And because that's the kind of crap we do all day. I thought it would be fun and had prepared to do so. Then Trump gave a most distressing press conference with Vladimir Putin and I decided to take it a step further. As his employer, I've decided to write him up.
In my place of employment, a write up is referred to as a Performance Improvement Plan, or PIP, for short. You may wonder if giving it the same name as a Gladys Knight backup singer makes employees feel better about it. It does not.
Anyway, please enjoy the following PIP, which will be kept in Donald Trump's personnel file. Also, enjoy having this little ditty stuck in your head: D.C. proved too much for the man... He couldn't make it…
Performance Improvement Plan
EMPLOYEE: Donald J. Trump ID Number: 45
DEPARTMENT: Executive Branch SUPERVISOR: We The People
POSITION: President of The United States
TYPE OF ACTION:
□ Verbal Warning (Dept. File Only)
x Written Warning
Date(s) of Incident: July 16, 2018
Time of Incident: Around 11am EDT, U.S., or Whatever the hell time it was in Finland.
Description of the Incident(s) or Behavior(s):
Despite overwhelming suspicion and evidence of possible collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government, Donald scheduled a private meeting with Vladimir Putin. This was especially troubling as the Justice Department had just issued indictments against twelve Russian intelligence agents for interfering in the 2016 election. Following the private meeting, Donald held a press conference with President Putin where he displayed tremendous cowardice by not only refusing to defend the United States, but also by offering to hand over U.S. Intelligence Officials to President Putin, a known murderer. He further created a hostile working environment by dismissing the work of our intelligence officials whilst simultaneously encouraging future murder attempts on said Officials. It has become evident Donald is involved in an inappropriate relationship with Vladimir Putin. We strongly discourage any relationship which can be perceived as creating bias or favoritism in the workplace.
Donald went on to campaign against Hillary Clinton. He has been told on numerous occasions that the 2016 election is over and Secretary Clinton does not currently hold any public office. He has ignored all previous warnings to knock it the hell off. Donald's obsession with Hillary Clinton could be construed as harassment. The employee handbook, which I am currently writing, clearly states we have a zero tolerance policy for harassment. Or, at least, it will when I'm done writing it.
Donald has been employed with us since January 20, 2017. He has had more than enough time to familiarize himself with the job duties the office of president entails, yet he has continually failed to meet expectations. During the course of this incident he demonstrated his inability to comprehend treason by very publicly committing treason.
Toward the end of the press conference, Donald threw a soccer ball at the first lady. Though no injuries occurred, we mean to create a safe working space for all our employees and throwing things is unacceptable. Should the president and first lady wish to play soccer, they may do so outside in an open area, away from any parked cars, on their lunch break. This will eventually be addressed in the employee handbook.
Other Individuals who may have information:
Vladimir Putin, Sean Hannity, Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Donald Trump, Jr., Eric Trump, Michael Flynn, Michael Cohen, Kanye West, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani and Scott Baio
Supporting Evidence, if any (please describe; attach copies of any documentation):
The whole press conference can be viewed on YouTube. One does not need knowledge of politics, government or foreign affairs to know this type of behavior should discouraged, or frowned upon, at the very least.
This is a complete and total witch hunt, okay. President Putin said to me, very strongly, that he did not interfere with our election. He said that very strongly. He's a strong leader. People say, “Oh, but he's killed people.” And, I don't know, maybe that's true, but look how he leads his country. His people, they're like... they love him. And quite honestly, he's the kind of leader I would like to be. But the FAKE NEWS media won't let me. They never give Trump credit for anything. Never in the history of, perhaps, the entire world, has a president been treated so badly by the press. That I can tell you. So I go to meet with Putin, and you know, I don't even want to meet Putin. I have other things to do. I'm like, I'm a busy guy. But Putin wants to meet and I say to myself, “You know, no other president has given this guy the time of day. That's foolish.” We spend so much money on NATO, more than our fair share – and what do we get out of that? And people are like, they're all like, “Oh, but Mr. Trump, all of our NATO allies came to our rescue on 9/11.” And I'm like, so what? That was seventeen years ago. What have they done for us lately? You know, I gave Janet Jackson the idea for that song. A lot of people don't know that. Her brother, Michael, had an apartment in Trump Tower. Janet actually wanted to date me, if you can believe it. It's true. And I had to tell her, I said, “Look, I'm not into black chicks.” Maybe I shouldn't have said that about black chicks. I thought about saying she was too young for me, but who would believe that? Some people may say that's racist, but I'm not entirely sure if Melania's white, so...
Corrective Action Plan:
Donald is to avoid any further contact with Vladimir Putin, Sean Hannity and Scott Baio. He is to refrain from tweeting or making any public comments about our NATO Allies, Hillary Clinton, Theresa May, Angela Merkel and, I guess, Janet Jackson. He has been instructed to learn what treason is and to stop committing it.
Next Action Step if Problem Continues:
Failure to demonstrate immediate and continued improvement as well as failure to sustain satisfactory performance in all other job requirements and expectations may result in further disciplinary action, up to and including termination, imprisonment and execution. I'm about seventy-two percent sure we can execute people for treason. If I'm wrong about that, I reserve the right to add it to the employee handbook as I deem necessary.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0