At Last Clinton Speaks Out: 'Our Boss Is Crap'
Letter from Llanaber
...Global politics seen through life in this strange tiny village in West Wales...
At last! Old Mrs. Clinton has spoken out! She is the lady that runs the card shop in the high street and in 2016 stood against the current boss of the parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, for the top job.
In my capacity as parish Foreign Secretary and Anti-Corruption & Nepotism Tsar, and the bloke that has to write the village newsletter, I have to interview those that have been put in clink for ‘political’ reasons. You may recall Mrs. Clinton was ‘outed’ by Mrs. Trim as a leftie-pinko-commie-subversive-fifth-columnist-ratbag in an ‘Arkady Babchenco’ style sting. Since being ‘exposed’ she’s been kept locked up by our top-cop, Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller in the village chokey.
Today was the first time Robbie the Bobbie (technically) allowed me to see her.
Why? (I hear you ask).
Because he didn’t know where she was.
‘If you can find the old dear you’re welcome to have a chinwag,” he said.
Let me explain.
Robbie the Bobbie is a fairly easy-oasy chap for a cop. In truth, for a top law enforcement professional, he’s a bit of a softie. He doesn’t like the idea of people being deprived of their liberty, which is unusual for a man whose sole purpose is to lock people up. As a consequence, to salve his conscience, he always puts the prison cell keys ‘in a safe place.’ By this I mean one of those places people put things where they can never find them again. As a result the cell door is never locked.
This is the reason why the interview has taken so long to conduct. I’ve only just found out where she is!
When I turned up at the jail she wasn’t in the cell. When I asked Robbie the Bobbie where she was he shrugged his shoulders, admitted he’d ‘misplaced’ her, then asked me if I wanted to borrow another saucy DVD.
I eventually tracked Mrs. Clinton down in her card shop. In fairness she is getting on a bit and had forgotten she was under arrest. That said, when I interviewed her about ‘current events’ in the village she was crash-hot! Her joints may have been gnarled and rheumy but her eyes were bright and her mind was sharp. What’s more, this frail old lady was a shining beacon of hope to me when it came to speaking truth to power.
She did not hold back.
The interview went along the following lines:
Me – How do you feel about losing the 2016 election?
Mrs. C – I won the popular vote of the villagers by 99% to 1%. Unfortunately, due to our corrupt electoral system, the only people allowed to vote in the election are the shop owners and those holding the donkey ride and bouncy castle concessions. As they were all bribed by Putin (with free goes on his penny falls slot machine) Mrs. Trim won. It’s bloody unfair, if you ask me.
Me – You say ‘all’ those entitled to vote were bribed. You own a shop. Were you bribed by Putin?
Mrs. C – Yes, but I didn’t win anything. If you ask me it’s a fiddle. I suspect the pennies are glued on the shelf of that bloody slot machine.
Me – In your opinion, did Putin screw with our democratic system?
Mrs. C - It was a very broad and a very successful ‘briber’ attack on our electoral system. The attack goes to the heart of our democracy. The great mystery is why the parish leader has not spoken up for our village. It’s really distressing and alarming. It should concern every single Llanaberian.
Me – What is your opinion on the recent ‘one-on-one’ meeting between Mrs. Trim and Putin?
Mrs. C - We don’t know what was said in the room between them. Putin is telling the world what was said but we hear crickets from the parish council office. Make no mistake this is a direct attack on our democracy. The idea that we are not sure where our own parish boss stands is deeply disturbing.
Me - Why do you think Trim did not confront Putin over Rufflotia’s election interference?
Mrs. C - Putin Lotzadosh has a very clear strategy. He is quite adept at reading people … at manipulating people. Hardly anyone who believes in freedom gets on with him. [Trim] wants to be friends with him for reasons we’re still trying to find out about.
Me – What about the upcoming village election?
Mrs. C - Sources in the ‘speaking tube industry’ told me Rufflotian agents are targeting this year’s midterms. Village intelligence agencies (Mateo the Knife & Robbie the Bobbie) have said the Trim administration is not doing enough to counter such efforts. They are still looking for ways to steal information about voter registration, for example there are some tech experts in the ‘electrical appliances’ shop whom I have met who say that maybe what they will do this time is really disrupt the actual election. Shut down the polling stations you send results to, interfere with the operations of voting booths by blunting the pencils. Too many of them are linked to Mrs. Trim’s sweet shop. We are still very vulnerable. And we don’t have leadership from the Trim administration.
Me – Do you have concerns about security? Do you fear expansionism from the east, a territory grab by the Rufflotians?
Mrs. C - Putin wants to break up TARTS (Together Against Rufflotian Territory Stealing). He wants to undo the architecture of the post-Spanibont / Llanaber wars. He thrives on divisiveness. His attacks on the electoral system were designed to help Mrs. Trim.
Me – How would you sum up the whole sorry state of affairs we have now?
Mrs. C – Our boss is crap and Putin’s a git!
It was out in the open.
The person I believe to be the rightful leader of our democracy, where it not for a risible electoral system and an election that was beyond doubt nobbled by Putin, had at last spoken out, honestly and at length.
After buying a ‘get well soon’ card for old Alexei Smirnoff (still poorly after having ‘unknown substances’ smeared on his bus shelter door), I rushed back to the council offices as quickly as the fog would let me. I was determined to get this interview ‘on the record,’ into print and circulated to the good citizens in the village as soon as I could.
It was dynamite!
It would beyond a shadow of a doubt bring about a popular revolt against the illegal occupation of the top job by Mrs. Trim. The people would rise up’ en masse’ and topple the tyrant. Her jack-boot regime of corruption, nepotism and sheer unadulterated incompetence must surely now come to an end.
I printed it.
I circulated it.
I lit the touch paper and sat back waiting for the fireworks to start.
I could not believe it. I ran up the high street stopping villagers one by one and asking, “Haven’t you read the newsletter?”
They each said they had.
“Well?” I demanded of them.
To a man they each replied, “There was nothing in it about the soccer so I lit the fire with it.”
Burke once said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.”
I believe he got it wrong. What he should have said was, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing but watch the telly.”
Maybe in these times where the shame gene has been genetically bred out of our politicians and lying is the new truth, we should do like the sideways-glancing lizard, the US Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and fall back on bible quotes for a coping mechanism.
Isaiah 38:2 When Hezekiah heard this he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord.
I’m not sure about the praying aspect but the villagers will definitely be turning their faces to the wall. They all have a wall mounted TVs and, perpetual fog permitting, the soccer season starts in a couple of weeks. It would seem to me villagers’ apathy goes along the lines, ‘Let the ‘powers that be’ screw with democracy, as long as we have our soccer, game shows, and are up to date with ‘who’s bonking who’ in the celebrity world.’
Religion isn’t the opium of the masses anymore, it’s cable, and the citizens in this little democracy are all doped up addicts.
For my part, I’m not a big soccer fan. I prefer a good political thriller… and, of course, the American version of The Apprentice!
That’s it for now.
And here's another bonus letter!
Secret Filming of Escort Bribes in Lawyers’ Office – Leader’s Downfall Hopes Are Raised
Such incredible events in the village today, I don’t know where to start. Perhaps at the beginning would be a good place, but first some background.
It has become common knowledge in the village that the boss of the parish council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, was secretly filmed by the gangster that runs the slot machine empire, the ‘beast from the east,’ Putin Lotzadosh. There is a ‘top secret’ DVD doing the rounds of the villagers’ home entertainments systems of Mrs. Trim carousing with two male ‘escorts’ in a Rufflotian hotel bedroom that was once occupied by the previous village boss, Billy-Bob Bobbityboo. The two men in question, ‘Big Boy’ and ‘Wanger’ were captured on film playing the ‘golden shower’ game on the bed.
You may recall that Mrs. Trim has a private lawyer, Solly Weinstein (No relation). Solly is the official village pervert, being an amateur video maker specialising in the village maidens’ ‘feminine health’ documentaries.
You may also recall he was once arrested and thrown in clink for illegally trying to measure the maidens’ belly buttons.
Not long after he was released from chokey after being pardoned by Mrs. T, it was rumoured that the village top-cop, Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller, was going about dropping hints that Solly was ‘about to flip.’ By this I mean sing like a canary, grass up, snitch, spill the beans, rat out, by putting the finger on Mrs. Trim and blabbing about her ‘dirty little secrets.’
At the time I was ordered by Mrs. T to pop round to Solly’s house with Mateo the Knife to remind Solly about the meaning of the word loyalty and for Mateo to give him a motivational ‘slap.’
Subsequently Solly pledged his undying allegiance to Mrs. T.
This brings me to my news.
When I arrived at the parish council office this morning old Thomas the gravedigger (honorary – the village doesn’t have a graveyard) pulled me to one side as I was parking up my bike.
“Read this,” he said, handing me a sheet of A4 paper on which was written a police bulletin.
I slowly read what was written (I’m a slow reader).
I felt woozy. I had to stop and catch my breath.
It was dynamite!
It was this: Two months ago Solly’s office had been raided by the village top-cop, Robbie the Bobbie! Further, yet another ‘secretly recorded DVD’ was discovered during the raid. This one is entitled as follows:
‘Mrs. T organising a bung to ‘Big Boy’ and ‘Wanger’ to keep their traps shut about secret bonking sessions they had when Leonard* was laid up with his haemorrhoids during the 2016 election.’
*Then, Mrs. Trim’s chubby-hubby – Now, ‘Lord Justice Arbuthnot Trim.’
I quote verbatim from Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller’s press release below:
“Llanaber Law Enforcement Officers carried out an early morning raid at the home / office of lawyer Solly Weinstein (no relation) two months ago.
During the raid a DVD was found amongst Mr. Weinstein’s collection of ‘artistic works.’ Upon close examination it was discovered that this DVD was a secret recording made by Mr. Weinstein of himself and Mrs. Trim in collusion. Five crisp ten pound notes were clearly seen changing hands between Mrs. Trim and Mr. Weinstein, the latter being instructed by the former to use the cash to bribe the two gentlemen named in the DVD to keep their carousal with Mrs. Trim a secret.
Mrs. Trim can clearly be heard saying, “That should be enough to get those two cock-happy feckers a big bucket of Astroglide for keeping their collagen pumped lips welded shut. We don’t want this filth leaking out during the campaign. It would put the kibosh on my chances of getting the top job.”
Mr. Muller went on to add, “This DVD shows beyond any shadow of a doubt that Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim bunged a couple of male hookers £50 to keep schtum about the ‘grown up stuff’ they got up to during the election campaign of 2016. It is a legal requirement clearly laid out in the Llanaber parish rules of electioneering that no single candidate is permitted to spend more than £10 on any adverts, expenses, promotional material or bribes. This DVD, if authenticated, clearly shows Mrs. Trim violated the election rules on campaign spending. This is a very serious matter and we will be looking into this at great length to see if we can ‘make it work for me and the lads.’”
Could this be the event that brings about the toppling of Mrs. T’s corrupt and vile regime?
I practically danced the rest of the way to my office. I still had the police bulletin in my hand when I opened my office door. To my horror, Mrs. T was waiting for me there. She looked at the sheet of paper in my hand.
“So you’ve seen it then,” she snapped, “Pathetic, aren’t they? They waste their time sniffing round this sensationalist garbage and can’t see the bigger picture.”
I nodded, my face a Kabuki mask, sheet white, neutral, showing no change of expression, giving nothing away.
She thrust her hand out towards me.
Surprisingly it was not a blow to my nose. Instead, in her grip was another sheet of A4 paper. I took it from her and slowly read what was written on it (yes, you know already how fast I read).
It was a press release, written by Mrs. T.
“Stick this in your crappy newsletter today,” she said before turning on her heels and flouncing out of my office.
I reproduce for you verbatim below what was written on the sheet of paper:
Re: The matter of the (illegal?) raid on Solly Weinstein’s office by that idiot who can’t spot a half decent bribe when he’s offered it, Robert Muller –
Mrs. Trim comments thus:
‘Inconceivable that the village top-cop would break into a lawyer’s office (early in the morning) - almost unheard of. Even more inconceivable that a lawyer would tape a client - totally unheard of & perhaps illegal. The good news is that your favorite council boss did nothing wrong!’
I did as I was told and printed her statement in the village newsletter.
Perhaps the forces of right are pathetically wasting their time scrabbling in the gutter trying to find something malignant enough to topple this ‘monster in the big chair.’
But when we live in a world where lying is the new truth, corruption is open and brazen, nepotism rampant, and the privileged rich blatantly drive a coach and horses through the laws and conventions that bind our democracy together, then good people must clutch at even the smallest of straws to protect our society and its values.
If it’s exposing the ‘boss’ for bunging bribes to a couple of hookers not to blab about vile bonking sessions, and seemingly trivial election overspends, then so be it.
The end justifies the means.
Anything to get rid of that mad old bat!
That’s it for now.