Clinton Clarifies Lewinsky Scandal: I Meant I Did Have Relations With That Woman
(As written by Bill Clinton)
Now folks, I've seen a lot of editorials recently in the face of this #MeToo movement criticizing me for the way I behaved back then during the Lewinsky scandal and I wanted to graciously take this opportunity to respond.
First off, the impeachment process and much of the hit I took in public opinion revolved around the perception that I lied to the American people. I did not lie to the American people. I will say it again, I did not lie to the American people. I misspoke to the American people. What I had meant to say was that I did have sexual relations with that woman. Not that I "didn't." That's a mistake that any regular Joe, average American could understand making.
I just threw the "n't" on the end of the baby by accident, must have been tired or something. During that period, I had a lot of late nights. Often I was busy at White House parties while Hillary was trying to pass universal health care. Now let me be very clear, I feel just horrible about everything I put our family through. In 2016 "I'm With Her" was a fact, but back in '95...I don't know if the same could be said.
I know there a lot of rumors out there. A lot of people who believe that this was something of a habit for me. Let me assure you, this is not the case. Following this one brief escapade I looked my wife in the eyes and I said "the era of infidelity is over." I was so distracted by deregulation of the big banks (whoops) and the locking up of black folks for petty crime (whoops again), plus Hillary was so pre-occupied with Women's rights and children's health coverage. We were just a little too busy for each other. That is another point that needs to be properly understood.
It's all okay now though. Since I've left office we've both been able to focus on what we love. Hillary's focused on continuing to make the world a better place for everyone who lives in it. I've focused on myself. It's worked out real nice.
The whole impeachment thing would only still bother me if there was a sitting president who's on tape bragging about actual assault and the same people who voted for my impeachment defended him on a nightly basis. It would only still bother me if the President of the United States, while married, seemingly slept with more adult stars than Ron Jeremy (let alone makes sexual comments about his daughter) and there wasn't a single congressional investigation. Luckily none of that is the case so it doesN'T bother me.
This has been an absolute joy but I have to run now. Hillary would say hi, but she's on the phone trying to free some girls Boko Haram is holding hostage (you know, being the selfish political animal that she is). And me, well I've got a game of golf and a cold beer waiting for me. Till next time.
-President Bill Clinton
Photo by Hayden Schiff from Cincinnati, USA || CC-BY-2.0