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Dying John McCain: I'm Leaving My Spine To Republican Party

Dying John McCain: I'm Leaving My Spine To Republican Party

Late yesterday evening Senator John McCain announced plans to revise his will. In the updated version he will be leaving his spine to the Republican caucus in both the House and the Senate. This comes following what is now being called "the disaster in Helsinki."

McCain explained his decision, "Seeing my fellow Republicans, in such a state of hysteria, while failing to actually do anything was beyond frustrating and also rather embarrassing for them." Citing his current battle with cancer, McCain elaborated, "I'm literally dying and I put up more of a fight against this orange buffoon than any of the healthy, non-chemoed-out congressmen do. They should feel humiliated." The senator also noted that even following chemotherapy sessions he finds himself to be much more energized and motivated than his colleagues. 

McCain went on to specifically attack his fellow Arizonian, Senator Jeff Flake. "Jeff loves tweeting about his disdain for the so-called president but then he comes to me and says 'I just wish there was something I could do about it.'" McCain paused to scoff and shake his head before continuing on, "What the hell are these guys waiting for? They sit back and lament the state of things as if they have no power. I tell citizens who complain to call their representatives. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell the actual representatives though."

 

 

Throughout our time together, Senator McCain continued to express his shock over how weak his party had become. "I literally saw Marco Rubio put on a fake mustache and a pair of glasses so reporters wouldn't recognize him and he wouldn't have to comment on the situation with Russia and Putin. This is a grown man I'm talking about!" the senator exclaimed. "I was tortured in Vietnam. Held as a war prisoner. If Marco Rubio was in my shoes he would sell us out faster than he offers up his prayers after a mass shooting." The senator laughed then offered his final jab at the junior senator from Florida. "I'd be willing to bet a Bernie Sanders presidency on him folding, that being said, treason seems to be coming into fashion." 

McCain hesitated, something had caught his eye. It was a photo of himself, former Senator Joe Lieberman and Senator Lindsey Graham all huddled together on the senate floor. "Those were the good old days," he recalled. "Back then we could just spend our days voting against all of President Obama's common sense policies because we could afford to be obstructionist with a sane man in the Oval Office. Those days are long gone." Lieberman "has become more conservative than I have" the senator pointed out, comparing him to "a poor man's Rudy Giuliani."

McCain teared up as he began to talk about Senator Graham. "Now he breaks my heart. He went from true patriot to presidential caddy." The 2008 Presidential candidate then echoed Christoper Nolan's Batman movie The Dark Knight, "Being a Republican, you either live long enough that the other Republicans become so crazy you're considered sane so you die a hero, or you just sit on your coach watching Fox News endlessly becoming completely insane and your children's worst nightmare."

 

 

All this has led to Senator McCain's decision to "upon my death leave my spine to the Republican party, with the hope that it helps them stand up against that which is so clearly wrong." This is a heroic gesture by a man who has already given so much to this country. Starting with his contributions as a war hero (albeit one that got captured) to decades as a US Senator to the Republicans' 2008 sacrificial lamb against the unstoppable Obama campaign, McCain has dedicated his life to mostly making this country a better place. 

When asked if it still stings that the president said he preferred war heroes who "weren't captured," the senator declined to comment. Instead he just shook his head and sighed, "Everyone has their preferences. Personally, I prefer presidents who weren't elected by Russia."

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

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