First Lady Illegally Crosses Border Hoping To Be Separated From Family
In a shocking turn of events First Lady Melania Trump was detained in the early hours of the morning attempting to illegally cross the border with a cohort of undocumented Mexicans. Wearing a blue Gucci coattail dress with matching heels, Melania, who also had a Chipotle burrito with her, stuck out amongst a crowd that was severely impoverished, starving and desperate to survive.
The first to recognize the first lady was a Border Patrol agent. He gave us his firsthand account, recalling how "I knew who she was the moment I saw her and I couldn't believe it! 'Melania is that you? You look even hotter in person! Not Stormy Daniels hot, but hot nonetheless.'" He elaborated, explaining that he "was just shocked. Absolutely shocked. Once in a while I think I'll see a famous person like George Lopez or Sofia Vergara but it's never actually them. This was actually her." Upon the news breaking, everyone was mystified as to why the first lady of the United States would try to illegally cross the border.
Melania explained herself in a press conference that was held at the detention center she's being kept. "I've been following this border crisis like everyone else...and...well, I was hoping that in illegally crossing the border I'd be taken away from my family." Detecting how shocked the press corps was by this statement, Melania defended herself "Would you want to be a part of this family? I have to go to sleep in the same bed as that man every night! I wake up and boom, he's there! I turn on the television, boom! He's there. Go on Twitter, boom! He's there. Read the paper? That's a good one." The first lady did cede that the president is not the only person to blame for her attempted getaway, adding that "Would you want stepkids like those?"
These events have obviously shaken the White House, leaving what is generally an incredibly stable, reliable and leak-free communications department scrambling. The press caught up with President Trump while he was at what was supposed to be a private candlelit dinner with Russian President Vladimir Putin. When asked about the situation with the first lady, the president quickly pivoted to the Hillary Clinton email scandal, "When will we see the emails? What is she hiding in those emails? Why are we not holding her accountable?"
We'll keep you updated as this shocking turn of events continues to unfold.