UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Clear And Present Anger

Clear And Present Anger

If you or someone you love voted third party in 2016, you have a chance to redeem yourself by making a real vote against Trump and the other Klan members this November. If you fail to do so, you will find yourself permanently ostracized by the community. The community being the entire free world.

Third Party Voters, I'm sure you've all seen the tweets reading, “Hillary Warned Us.” That is true, but you know who else warned us? Donald Trump, that's who. I shall now prove it to you. I “sort of” transcribed the 2016 presidential debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Please take the time to review the “sort of” transcription of the final debate from October 2016. And most importantly, remember not to be stupid this November.

October 2016

The debate is being moderated by Chris Wallace, son of Mike.

Mike’s Son:  Tell me your views on the Supreme Court and the Constitution.  

Clinton:  The Supreme Court should be the voice of the people and support progress for our nation. Also, it would be nice if the senate did their job and confirmed that poor man Obama selected before he finds another job. His unemployment is due to run out soon. He can't wait forever.

Trump:  Justice Ginsberg said some really nasty things about me.  She had to apologize for having opinions because the Constitution doesn’t allow for justices on the Supreme Court to have opinions. It was really not nice what she said. The first thing I intend to do is fire Justice Ginsberg.  She’s out of there.  The Second Amendment is very, very important. My opponent wants to do away with the Second Amendment. I have twenty judges who I would appoint to the Supreme Court. I have a list.

Mike’s Son:  There are only nine justices on the Supreme Court.

 

 

Trump:  Says who? If I want twenty justices I’ll have twenty justices. Maybe I’ll have twenty-nine.  Maybe I’ll have seven. Who knows? It’ll be my court. You can’t tell me what to do, Mike Wallace. Also, they will be pro-life justices.

Mike’s Son:  Mr. Trump, you oppose any limits on the Second Amendment. That’s kind of weird considering how many people want to shoot you. Can you explain that?

Trump:  The NRA endorsed me. Just like with Putin, if they say nice things about me I’ll say nice things about them.

Mike’s Son:  Mr. Trump, do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump:  If that happened it would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son:  That’s not what I asked.

Trump:  It would go back to the states.

Mike’s Son:  I’ll repeat the question. Do you want the court to overturn Roe v. Wade?

Trump:  It would happen automatically.

Mike’s Son:  I give up. Secretary Clinton?

Clinton:  Grown women are capable of making their own decisions regarding their healthcare.  

Trump:  You can rip the baby out of the womb on the final day. That’s terrible. Women are carrying babies for nine months, and then they just rip them out and go off to their Pilates class like nothing happened. That’s horrible what she’s saying.

 

 

Clinton:  You don’t rip a baby out like you’re ripping off a Band-Aid, you moron. Didn't you see Dirty Dancing?

Trump:  That was before Jennifer Grey had the nose job? Then no, I didn’t see it. She was like a three then.

Mike’s Son:  Explain your position on immigration. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

Trump:  Hillary Clinton wants to let everyone into our country and make them a sandwich. I will build a wall along our southern border. We need to protect the border. I went to New Hampshire and the biggest problem there is heroine which flows in across our southern border straight to New Hampshire. The people of New Hampshire are furious with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for letting the heroine through the border. There are some bad hombres out there.

(While I don’t know much Spanish, a Mexican friend has advised Trump mispronounced hombre and what he said is actually translated as hungry.)

 

 

Clinton:  Donald Trump has been hooting and hollering about a wall for a year and a half, but when he finally went to Mexico he choked in front of El Presidente. Then he got into a Twitter war when El Presidente said Mexico isn’t paying for his dumb ass wall.

Trump:  First of all, Mexico president likes me just fine. I didn’t choke. In fact, what I said to Mexico president is, I said, “I ain’t never crossed a man who didn’t deserve it. Me be treated like a punk. You know that’s unheard of. You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking. Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk, fool.” And he said to me, he said, “Trump, you’re one bad hombre. I’ll pay for the wall.” 

Clinton:  Let us not forget he hired undocumented workers to build Trump Tower and then threatened to have them deported when they asked to be paid the fifty cents an hour they were promised.  

Trump:  Too much television watching, got me chasing dreams, bigly. I’m an educated fool with money on my mind. Got a ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye. I’m a loc’d out gangsta, set tripping banger. And my homies is down, so don’t arouse my anger, bigly.

 

 

Clinton:  That’s ridiculous. Tell me, why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?

Mike’s Son:  WikiLeaks.

Trump:  Thank you.

Clinton:  Putin.

Trump:  I don’t know Putin.  He said nice things about me. Wouldn’t it be great if we got along with Russia?  They are out nuclearing us and Putin has no respect for her.  That I can tell you.

Clinton:  That’s because Putin would rather have a puppet in the White House.

Trump:  No, you’re the puppet.

Clinton:  The Russians have engaged in cyber-attacks against the U.S. You encouraged espionage against our people.

Trump:  You’re the puppet.

(Shout out to Joy Reid at MSNBC for working in the word, Muppetational, when covering this moment.)

Trump:  Hillary, you have no idea if Russia is doing this.

Clinton:  Do you doubt seventeen of our own intelligence agencies?

Trump:  Yeah, I doubt it. I have two hundred admirals and generals endorsing me. General Douglas MacArthur and General George Patton – think about that.

 

 

Mike’s Son:  We’re moving on to the economy. Could each of you explain your economic policies?  

Trump:  Look, I love NATO, but these countries haven’t been paying. I said a year ago, “Why aren’t they paying?” Then they started paying and I’ve been given a lot of credit for that.  And Hillary Clinton comes out and says, “We love our allies.” How we can get them to pay when we have someone saying, “We think how great they are.”

Mike’s Son:  All economists have said your economic plan is unrealistic.

Trump:  I just talked to some people from India. People are crying because the factories have closed.  People in America, not the people in India. India people have nothing to do with American factories because our jobs are going to Mexico and China. TPP, Hillary is for it.

Clinton:  Donald Trump built his hotel with illegal Chinese steel.

Trump:  Yeah, but Hillary Clinton didn’t stop me. She was a senator. She could have stopped me from buying illegal Chinese steel, but she didn’t. How do explain that Hillary?  

Clinton:  I was busy overseeing the capture and execution of Osama Bin Laden while you were stirring up fights between Piers Morgan and Stephen Baldwin on the Celebrity Apprentice.  

Mike’s Son:  Mr. Trump, you said wretched creepy things about women to Billy Bush. Since then a dozen women have come forward to say you did wretched creepy things to them. What say you to that?

Trump:  Power and the money, money and the power. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Everybody’s running, but half of them ain’t looking. It’s going on in the kitchen, but I don’t know what’s cooking. They say I gotta learn, but nobody’s here to teach me. If they can’t understand it, how can they reach me. I guess they can’t. I guess they won’t. I guess they front. No one has more respect for women than me. Emails.

Mike’s Son:  Mr. Trump, you have been claiming the election is rigged. Will you accept the result of this election?

Trump:  I can’t tell you that. I don’t like to lose. No one likes a loser, so I can’t be a loser.  If I lose, I can’t say I’ll accept the results because that would make me a loser. I’m a winner. Everyone knows it. People come up to me all the time and they say to me. They say, “Trump, everything you touch turns to gold. You’re a winner.” And I say to them, “I know. I don’t understand why women complain when I grab them by their wherevers because it turns their wherevers into gold. I get a little thrill and they get a golden wherever. Everybody’s happy.” So, I will look at the election results at the time.

Mike’s Son:  Mr. Trump, I’m going to do you a solid and give you another chance to answer this question.

Trump:  I will tell you at the time. I’ll keep you in suspense. You know, Chris, I’ve been called the master of suspense by many, many people.

Mike’s Son:  That was Alfred Hitchcock.

Trump:  No, I don’t think so.

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America  ||  CC-BY-SA-2.0

White House Kept Abreast Of Stormy Daniels Arrest

White House Kept Abreast Of Stormy Daniels Arrest

Trump Slams Incredible Amazon Prime Day Deals As ‘Socialism,’ Still Searching For $1.50 Item To Reach One-Day Shipping Minimum

Trump Slams Incredible Amazon Prime Day Deals As ‘Socialism,’ Still Searching For $1.50 Item To Reach One-Day Shipping Minimum