New York, NY -- The nation is in turmoil after an executive order signed by President Donald J. Trump making brunch a felony.
"It's not breakfast and it's not lunch," the president said as he signed the order with a big X. "Terrible meal. Just terrible. All this namby-pamby fruit and stuff. No cheeseburgers at all."
Liberal activists are outraged. "This is a targeted attack on political opponents," said Sienna Bloss-Miller in between sips of her non-fat green chai soy frappuccino. "Trump knows perfectly well this disproportionately affects LGBTQ people." Bloss-Miller admits she is herself a cisgendered heterosexual, but she is also very active on Tumblr. "So this is even more about me."
Even many Republicans expressed anger with President Trump's latest executive order. "Brunch is as much a Congressional tradition as filibusters and ignoring calls for universal healthcare," complained Senator Marco Rubio. "Without our DC Sunday brunch, how can the NRA buy my influence?"
Some have already proposed underground brunches or "bruncheasies" in open defiance of the ban. "All we need is champagne and orange juice," declared anonymous partisans on Twitter. Their accounts were later suspended after being reported by neo-Nazis for violating the terms of service.
Shawnda Jackson of Flint, MI, was asked to comment but she was too busy trying to find potable water for herself and over 400,000 other residents.