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Smiles And Cries: Gutless Jim Jordan

Smiles And Cries: Gutless Jim Jordan

I remember the first time I watched Family Guy. This delicious cartoon morsel kept a constant jab of racism, a right hook of sexism, a few body blows of hatred and abuse towards family, the overhand left of highly intelligent and “ah shucks dumb” low blows. Then, one day, I was hit with a haymaker from Mike “I’ll Take An Ear” Tyson. That day was when Herbert the Pervert was introduced to my life. It was uncomfortable at first and made me hot and itchy. If I had been a pale-skinned fellow I would be splotchy like an albino tomato. He whistled at Chris and spoke of Jolly Ranchers in his pockets. His lisp that ended with a whistle….made me want to practice so I too could sound just like him.

Hell, I hate to admit it, but I love Herbert the Pervert. Sitting around at 2am watching Family Guy trying to sound like Herbert. I tell my wife, “I got a chocolate s'mores in my pocket.” She always looks at me and says, “I do not like chocolate.” I love getting shot down after almost 5 years of a great marriage.

 


I am lucky to find humor in Herbert the Pervert, but there are those that will never find him funny. Laughter is the greatest way to forget about pain, and almost feel normal. My heart goes out to those men from the Ohio State wrestling team. Jim “the Mouth” Jordan used to be the wacko who defended anything 45 said or did. He lied and would talk so long he collected that “stuf” in the corners of his mouth. Yes, it is spelled with one f so do not fill up my inbox with grammatical inferences and better fitting ebonics. I will always write to inform, praise, forgive, and to call out. Remember Chappelle's Show “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong?” Here, you will find the truth. For some people, it will be a horse poop on your shoe moment. No matter how much you shake, scrape, grass wipe or wash, the reminder will be there. I am your reminder. Jim Jordan, you are failure to this country, the oath you took before God, and to all the men that wear knee high black socks and Birkenstocks.

 


Never in my history have I ever defended a child molester and never in my history will I. My white friends are so embarrassed by the news of men showering with younger men and whispering they have jolly ranchers in their pockets. Yeah, you got that right, they were showering. It is such an uncomfortable piece to write I forced myself to write this for all the victims. This is my first piece and I wanted everyone to know that here, in Smiles and Cries… we keep it real. That includes me.

If I go out and get my butt kicked or a D.U.I. while passed out in my car parked in the driveway with "Pour Some Sugar on Me" blasting… you will know. You see, I believe in humanity, the rule of law, and that Karma is a woman. That is my next topic, Karma. The unseen MAC truck that will be roaring down one ways for you JIMBO. Are you too coward to look these men in their eyes and apologize?

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-2.0

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