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Study Shows Accidents Are Solely To Blame For Nation’s Opioid Crisis

Study Shows Accidents Are Solely To Blame For Nation’s Opioid Crisis

Santa Monica, CA - Days after beginning a study into the root causes of our nation's crushing opioid epidemic, a Rand Corporation scientist believes he has found the culprit. 

“Behind every opioid addict, there is a story,” Jeffery Rose, the study’s lead physician researcher began. “And behind every story there is, wait for it, an accident.” 

We caught up with Jeffery in his 300-square-foot research facility, a small duplex he shares with a doctor's office. 

He reached into his file cabinet and pulled out a small manila folder. It was filled with interview notes from the real victims of opioid abuse in our country. He pulled out the entirety of his 10 day quest for answers and began dissecting each case. 

“Julie, 35, motor vehicle accident. Mark 25, logging accident. A tree branch right on his leg, squashed it like a tube of toothpaste. Want to see some photos? No..? Fine.”

 

 

“And here!” Jeffery had reached the patient he interviewed. “Little Amanda! Four year old girl, thought she was eating a Mike and Ike. Robbed a pharmacy when she was six, and has been doing hard time ever since. Root problem? Accident.” 

It seemed like he had really thought it through, but the number of patients interviewed, and the overall time spent on the issue, seemed suspiciously scarce. When questioned about this, Mr. Rose seemed surprisingly self-aware.

“No, I know! But they I am getting renovations done on my condo in the Hamptons, and I have been on the phone with the head contractor, like, non-stop. I mean how hard is it to get a waterfall to flow in reverse?”

 

 

When asked about the conclusion of his report, more specifically any methods of prevention he found to be promising, he left us with these words of advice: 

“Simple, prescribe them opioids before the accident. The chances they will be functioning enough to get injured accidentally falls substantially. Now, scram. I’ve got tee-time with Mortimer Sackler in twenty minutes.”

 
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