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Kavanaugh Defends Right To Life Of Alien Chestbursters

Kavanaugh Defends Right To Life Of Alien Chestbursters

Washington, DC -- Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is understandably making waves for his position on abortion. In addition to recent statements some media commentators interpreted as pro-life, the jurist also expressed his belief that protections should be extended to the xenomorph parasites of LV-426.

"While I can understand the objections of someone who has just received a face full of alien wing-wong," Kavanaugh said in an official statement, "the fact remains you went into the derelict spacecraft, you poked at the Facehugger's egg, if you then do not carry the vicious monster to term - when it tears its way out of your rib cage in a torrent of blood - then you're just avoiding personal responsibility."

 

 

Senate Democrats have described this position as heartless but have made pains to assure everyone they will still give Kavanaugh a fair hearing. "We are not about to make Roe versus Wade a litmus test," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York. "I may personally disagree that outer space monsters have a right to chew open a woman's body from the inside, but I can respect Judge Kavanaugh's position." Senator Schumer further clarified his position by literally throwing a towel on the Senate floor.

Others have voiced strong objections to Kavanaugh. "We should nuke his confirmation from orbit," said corporate whistleblower Ellen Ripley. "It's the only way to be sure."

 
Space Jam 2 Starring Elon Musk And LeBron James

Space Jam 2 Starring Elon Musk And LeBron James

Study Shows Accidents Are Solely To Blame For Nation’s Opioid Crisis

Study Shows Accidents Are Solely To Blame For Nation’s Opioid Crisis