Washington, DC -- President Donald Trump, both enamored and quite puzzled by the 12 boys of the Thai soccer team recently rescued from a cave, will reportedly slap Thailand with restrictive tariffs against importing the boys into the United States.
“While I am very happy for these cave kids, I have enough young Thai boys here around me at the White House. The best young Thai boys. We don’t need those cave kids coming here to compete with the ones I already have,” the president said in the few minutes he had between filling various Supreme Court vacancies.
“Look, cavemen. I love cavemen. Believe me, I have some great cavemen in this administration. But we need to win. The US needs to be producing more Thai boys than Thailand. We can’t be losing to these kinds of countries. You know the kind I mean.” Trump immediately made an inappropriate gesture with his tiny hands on his orange face that Flake News has chosen not to report in detail.
“So if these Thai cave people want to come here, the American companies wanting to import them will have to pay through the teeth. Or is it nose? They’ll pay through some orifice. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, we already have enough young Thai boys here, believe me, I know this firsthand.”
Thailand’s Prime Minister Prayut Chan-o-cha would not comment on the emerging trade war, but is reportedly considering a range of possibilities. One option would include tariffs on incoming Vine stars, unfortunate Americans currently without a platform.