Drug Hipsters Let Out Muted Cheer As Trump Signs Right To Try Act
As the nation watched, ricotta-stuffed scarecrow President Donald Trump signed the Right to Try Act giving terminally ill patients access to experimental drugs still undergoing FDA approval.
Many people are nervous of what this might mean for our nation’s drug policy moving forward. For instance, critics have cited potential increases in drug hipsters faking terminal illness to get their hands on the hot, up-and-coming recreational drug. I reached out to Cedars-Sinai oncologist Dr. Tiffany Weiss for comment on this matter.
“What the hell are you talking about? That has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and you should feel terrible for suggesting such a thing. Who gave you this number?” Weiss said.
“Klonopin abuse is so passe at this point. I wouldn’t be caught dead stealing it from my stepmom,” said Hollywood Hills teen Skyler Underwood. “Maybe I’ll, like, tell my dad I have, like, rickets or something. That’s terminal right? I want to be on whatever Lil Pump is on.”
Nihilists and Fight Club enthusiasts believe this decision gives them carte blanche citing the fact that “we’re all terminally ill and merely dying at different rates,” a statement that inspired scattered snaps and deep sighs from college freshmen everywhere.
Rosanne Barr intends to claim a “terminally ill career” to get all the drugs she can get, but experts agree that her career is officially dead.