Trump Looking To Reform NAFTA With Russia And North Korea
The Flake News's very own intrepid reporter, Paul Zilinski, recently uncovered President Donald Trump's plan to reinstate NAFTA during his upcoming Helsinki summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin. NAFTA, currently the North American Free Trade Agreement, will be renamed the North Arctic Free Trade Agreement. Furthermore, Mexico and Canada will be expelled from the organization and replaced by Russia and North Korea. President Trump sat down with Mr. Zilinski yesterday to defend his controversial plan.
"No one has been tougher on Russia than I have, no one in the history of the United States has been harder on them. Believe me," Trump began. He continued, "Mexico and Canada had to go because they've been treating us very unfairly and since they're not even part of the North Arctic it wouldn't make sense for them to stay in NAFTA." When pressed with the fact that Canada does, in fact, border the Arctic Ocean, Mr. Trump pressed on, "No they don't! Fake news! Look, remember when I said it was probably okay that Russia took Crimea because they speak Russian there? Well, most people don't know this but there are places in Canada where they speak French! Of course this means that Canada is a part of France and France is not in the North Arctic so Canada can't be a part of NAFTA anymore."
Mr. Trump went on, "It makes sense to include North Korea in the North Arctic Free Trade Agreement, I mean they have North in the name of their country and that's the first word in NAFTA, makes total sense. That I can tell you. The whole world used to laugh at us but they're not laughing anymore! I'm being tough on Russia but I've also saved them and the rest of the world. If it weren't for me we would have been in World War III with them by now but I saved everyone by being so tough on them."
President Trump went on to provide details regarding the new provisions of NAFTA. "The agreement will allow free trade, 100% tariff-free, between the United States, Russia and North Korea." The President says Russia will establish a military presence in the US with a few, small bases needed to protect the merchandise they are moving into the country. "We've had military bases in Germany since WWII and our relationship is better than ever. I think letting Russia put bases here is a very brilliant strategic decision," Trump gloated. He further explained North Korea would be given the rights to free trade with the U.S. and Russia and their sanctions would be lifted in exchange for Kim Jong-Un pinky-promising to be nicer and to not start a big war, or even a medium-sized one.
"I'm the greatest dealmaker ever and this was a very tough deal on them but I got it done." The president quickly ended the interview when I asked him a follow-up question about a similar plan to rename NATO the North Arctic Treaty Organization.
Photo by www.kremlin.ru || CC-BY-4.0 International