Scott Pruitt Dons Eyepatch On Final Day At EPA, Doesn't Believe In Turtles
On his last day working for the EPA, Scott Pruitt was spotted wearing an eyepatch and fake goatee while carrying a white cat. Witnesses say he was muttering to himself about a giant laser beam as he hurriedly left his office. It appears as though he left behind a few important items, which have turned up disturbing results.
The most noteworthy was a notebook reminiscent of Patrick Bateman’s at the end of American Psycho, predominantly filled with drawings of Pruitt flipping off the ozone layer and punching seals in the face. There was also an armoire filled with his “tactical pants.” Resting inside one of his desk drawers was a stack of receipts for his luxurious spending, all of which had “Liberal Plot” scrawled over the dollar amount.
A dartboard was found hanging on the back of his office door with a picture of 38th President Gerald Ford. When asked to comment on why Ford, Pruitt expressed frustration. “I wanted to throw darts at the guy who signed that Clean Air Act. But how am I supposed to throw a dart at Nixon’s face? Nixon! The last honest president this country had before Trump!”
Perhaps most baffling, though, was Pruitt’s insistence that turtles do not exist. He held firm in his belief that turtles are more “liberal propaganda” being pushed to shame honest and hardworking Americans. “I only have so much time in the day. Every second I spend lifting a cup is one less second I spend pleasuring myself with plastic bags. Is there a straw? Then I can multitask.”
It appears that efforts to convince Pruitt of the existence of turtles have been a success. He was last spotted Saturday morning standing at a beach crying while throwing plastic bottles into the water. Beachgoers reported that he was loudly apologizing to the turtles for his straw usage, insistent that “you can drink the ocean so much safer with these bottles.”
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-SA-2.0