UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Trump On SCOTUS Nominees: 'Joe Paterno Would Have Been Great'

Trump On SCOTUS Nominees: 'Joe Paterno Would Have Been Great'

President Donald Trump has expressed an interest in looking for a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Kennedy outside of traditional options. He is of the belief that his presidency thus far has been a “huge success” due to his lack of political experience, and so the same must be true for a SCOTUS replacement.

A leaked audio recording revealed the president saying, “Look at me. No experience. The greatest president in the history of this country, and I had no experience. Those other presidents? Losers. JFK? FDR? Enough with the abbreviations. We need full names.”

While Trump has kept what he is referring to as his “Outsider SCOTUS List” private, we know of at least one person he would have loved to consider: Joe Paterno. “All he did was win,” said Trump, speaking of the college football coach's 409 career victories. As many may remember, Paterno sadly found himself in hot water amidst accusations he assisted in covering up accusations of sexual abuse against Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

 

 

It’s a difficult topic to handle, but one that Trump believes would not overrule his decision. “He made a mistake. People accuse me of things all the time. We need to keep our eyes ahead.” One can only wonder how heavily the cons must outweigh the pros before Trump can ask himself the tough questions. Is there a line to be drawn, and where?

Fortunately, Trump has also taken this negative press as an opportunity to let people know he does take accusations of this nature very seriously, “will not tolerate any accusations of sexual abuse or assault,” and will make sure these people are held accountable. He wants to remind the American people that “whether you’ve sexually abused people or have tried to cover it up, those are actions that this administration will not tolerate.”

A day after making that statement, Trump announced the hiring of Bill Shine and offered his sympathy and support to Representative Jim Jordan. Shine recently resigned from his position at Fox News after accusations of covering up sexual harassment, while Jordan finds himself in hot water for allegedly covering up the sexual abuse of his wrestlers at Ohio State University. Trump's final words on the matter being only, "Fake news."

 

 

Photo by Frances Sonne  ||  CC-BY-2.0

Sarah Huckabee Sanders  ||  Flake Artist Spotlight

Sarah Huckabee Sanders || Flake Artist Spotlight

Report: Scott Pruitt Begging Aides To Update His Résumé Today

Report: Scott Pruitt Begging Aides To Update His Résumé Today