Capitol Wasteland, DC -- As #HeatWave2018 enters its forty-seventh day and the skies above our heads catch fire, Scott Pruitt issued an official statement that everything is just fine. "We understand some nervous nellies think we're suffering record heat and mass extinctions," the EPA chief said, "but this is all completely normal."
This flies in the face of statements earlier in the week by the National Weather Service, that "This is how the world ends," and "Spend time with your loved ones while you can." When asked to comment on this incongruity between the NWS and Mr. Pruitt, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders blew a raspberry.
"We are witnessing, again, the failure of this administration to act in the best interests of the American people," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer at a press event he held in New York City as it continued its slide into the ever-rising seas. "I am prepared to work with my esteemed colleagues across the aisle if they will meet us halfway. We can agree on how many people will be broiled in their own homes in exchange for promising a cap and trade bill sometime around 2030."
But these overtures appear to be falling on deaf ears. Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader and albino monitor lizard, showed no interest in compromising with his Democrat rival as he sunned himself in the Kentucky desert. When pressed for comment, he would only hiss and then distend his jaw so as to swallow this reporter whole.
President Donald Trump has so far not offered any opinion on the matter, even when his own hair burst into flames from the rising heat, as well as all the hairspray.
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported