Bulletproof: The New DMV
Another day, another mass shooting in America. Gun violence is one of the saddest and most stupid problems facing our nation today. I blame pop music for this. Song lyrics in popular music have been advocating gun violence for years. Both Bob Marley and Eric Clapton shot the sheriff. (Self-defense, my ass.) Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. And worst of all, Bubba shot the jukebox. (Other people may have wanted to listen to the jukebox, Bubba.) However, both gun enthusiasts and gun control advocates can breathe a collective sigh of relief. I've solved the problem.
We shall create a department like the DMV that's responsible for gun ownership. This department will be called the DMV of Gun Ownership because I couldn't think of a better name. Every American who wants to own a gun (or multiple guns because they're just hoarders hiding behind the Second Amendment) will simply go the DMV of Gun Ownership to obtain a license. First, all applicants must take a written test.
Sample Written Test
1.) Please spell the word gun.
An incorrect answer to this question results in immediate disqualification. This question alone should cut down on the amount of gun violence in America by at least 75 percent.
2.) Is there anyone you'd like to see dead? If so, who?
It's all about prevention, people. Answering yes to this question will not result in disqualification. Instead, the intended victim will be taken to a "Safe Zone" to live out the rest of his or her life, which probably won't be that long because anyone can find you on the internet. Some may say it's not fair to the intended victim, but we can't infringe on the Second Amendment rights of others just because some people don't want to die.
3.) Would you like to be an organ donor?
4.) Are you drunk right now?
Answering yes to this question will only result in disqualification if you are taking this test before noon. However, answering yes to this question will disqualify you from organ donation.
5.) Taking this test means you care deeply for your Second Amendment rights. How many Amendments are in the Constitution?
Hint: It's more than ten. They're not Commandments.
6.) Are you an adult who constantly complains about the children of this generation, yet has no problem giving a child a gun?
Answering yes to this question will immediately disqualify you and your children will be placed in foster care.
7.) Would you like to be an organ donor?
8.) Are you an adult who doesn't constantly complain about the children of this generation and has no problem giving a child a gun?
Answering yes to this question will immediately disqualify you and your children will be placed in foster care. You should never give a child a gun. You wouldn't let your kid play with knives or matches, would you?
9.) Do you know where you are right now?
The only correct answer to this question is: I'm in America, Bitch.
Once you pass the written test you'll be required to take a vision test.
Sample Vision Test
1.) How many fingers am I holding up?
It's a trick question. You can't see me.
2.) Would you like to be an organ donor?
Passing the vision test will bring you to the final test, the shooting test.
Sample Shooting Test
A "trained" employee of the DMV of Gun Ownership will take you shooting around the neighborhood. All deaths and serious injuries will result in automatic failure. Flesh wounds are acceptable.
Congratulations! You've passed the test and will receive your DMV of Gun Ownership license. Every four years you will be required by law to return to the DMV of Gun Ownership to renew your license. If you wait in line for three hours without shooting anyone, your license with be automatically renewed.
We also encourage you to consider organ donation. We foresee a great need for organ donation in the immediate future.
Photo by Gage Skidmore || CC-BY-SA-3.0