Trump To Pay For Wall By Selling Separated Children Back To Families
Pundits on both sides of the aisle did not think President Donald Trump could possibly make the separation of immigration families any worse. Once again both critics and supporters alike sold the president short on his ability to shock and awe the world, as Trump announced today he was proposing to “sell” the children back to their parents or other family members.
“By executive order signed today, the United States will begin to reunite immigrant children separated from their families. For a fee. Everyone wants the kids back with their parents. I want that too, but I also want a wall to stop this endless cycle. This way we both win. All the money raised will be earmarked for the construction of a wall along our southern border. And if Trudeau is not careful I will start building a wall to the north.”
“These families came up with $3,000, $5,000 or even $10,000 to try to smuggle these kids into the county illegally; they can do it again to get their children back. Is it fair that smugglers are paid to get them here and we aren't paid to get them out? No! Why shouldn’t we get paid? We are doing the same thing – getting people across the border. America is not the world’s day care. There is a cost with housing and feeding tens of thousands of people three times a day. We are feeding them, right? Just kidding. I am sure we are feeding them.”
“The pricing will be fair and based on the individual country of origin. The ‘reuniting fees’ will be commensurate with the fees those same families paid smugglers to get into this country. Details are not finalized, but am thinking about $2,500 per child for Mexico, $3,500 for Central America and $5,000 for South America.
“It sounds like a lot, but is it really? These supposedly desperate penniless immigrants were able to raise thousands of dollars to break the law and smuggle their children into this country. They said it was for the children and for their future. Now they get the chance to prove it. Many Americans have college funds, work two jobs and put money away for the children’s future. Or they can borrow the money and get in debt like a good American. Now these immigrants can really experience what it means to be American: -- work two jobs to make end meet and spend half your income on credit card interest. Make America Great Again.
“And since immigrants breed like rabbits we are going to have to figure out some type of family discount. Sort of a Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off, or three-for-two situation. There are all kinds of potential promotions to support the program. Families can have fundraisers, sell lemonade, companies can sponsor a family. We can advertise the cute ones to get more interest and maybe get Sarah McLaughlin to do a tearjerker commercial for the ugly ones.”
“Another problem is identifying all these kids. They all look alike and only have like 10 last names. You can’t just go in there and ask for ‘Jose Martinez’. Five kids come running up to you. They don’t have driver’s licenses. You can’t talk to them, they don’t speak English. Hell, we still don’t know who half of them are.”
“Also, from now on the children will no longer be housed in old Walmart buildings. I agree that was demeaning, surely DHS could have found an old Barneys or Tiffany’s location near the border. Not to worry. Like everything else I handled it. I have signed a special deal with Toys 'R' Us to take possession of all of the closing Babies 'R' Us stores. How perfect is that? You will now be able to buy a baby at Babies 'R' Us. Is that great or what? Sometimes I am so amazing I even surprise myself. I got them to throw in all the signage for free. Finding perfect-fit deals like that is what made me what I am today.”
“Sarah Sanders, who knows absolutely nothing about this, will be happy to take your questions. I have to get back to work and make more super deals -- the best deals. You are going to love them. Really.”