'LOL Good Luck With That,' Anthony Kennedy Probably
Blatantly plagiarizing a page from former President Barack Obama's frankly underwhelming playbook, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy has retired, throwing the domestic politique into turmoil. In a move that Democrats are, completely without irony, comparing to the apocalypse, Holocaust, and Zika outbreak; Justice Kennedy has opted to not die in office, but instead enjoy retirement? Fuming political activists are already imagining the justice sharing mojitos with Jeff Bezos on some tax-less tropical getaway, while the rest of the world figuratively (and arguably literally) burns.
Following the retirement of the iconic conservative justice Sandra Day O'Connor, Kenedy found himself possessing the "Swing Vote" in many landmark cases. Essentially the one member of the Supreme Court to actually vote their conscience, Justice Kenedy was often at odds with the title, because, and let's be honest here, it made him sound less conservative. In reality though, confirmed by a landslide in congress which unanimously voted 97-0 for his confirmation, Kenedy championed many liberal causes despite being appointed by Ronald Reagan. Playing an important role in gay rights trials like Obergefell vs. Hodges or Lawrence vs. Texas displayed how Anthony was really much more "fierce" than he let on, while his support for the underdog in fundamental abortion case Roe vs. Wade proved the man actually had some common sense. Really, he was foundational to making the modern United States a livable country and not the Western Hemisphere's best response to Iraq. Unfortunately though, he' still wealthy, so he's outta here.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't be the biggest issue ever, but if we all just cast our minds back to that prehistoric era: 2016. Yes, that 2016 when President Obama's Supreme Court pick Merrick Garland was blocked by the Republican-controlled congress. Annnnd now you understand the shrieks of terror! Not only will 2 of 9 justices have been picked by "you know who" within 2 years, but we'll also be facing the most conservative Supreme Court in recent memory for the foreseeable future. So get your abortions while they're legal children, cuz you're gonna have kids!
Oh! And one more word for Grandpa Kennedy retiring at 81. Selfish. And you should have died on the bench, like a REAL justice. Wow! Well I, for one, am glad that we did away with the whole political correctness thing, aren't you?