This Cursed Earth -- President Trump surprised friends and foes alike today when he nominated controversial jurist and 2000 AD villain Judge Death to fill the Supreme Court seat recently vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. "The Judge and I go way back," Trump explained at a press conference held around his gold-plated bathtub. "He's consulted me on everything from Syria to the baby-snatching initiative. Fabulous guy. Really first rate."
Democrats were quick to roll over. "We trust this post-apocalyptic abomination will keep the Constitution in mind when making decisions," explained Senate Minority Leader and part-time gimp Chuck Schumer. "We won't be mounting any serious attempt to block the appointment though. That would be rude."
Republicans were also quick to offer excuses. "I'm sure we'll come up with a way to justify this move as conservative," explained Mitch McConnell to the reporters who caught him trying to sneak out the back of Capitol Hill. "We pretty much let the guy do what he wants and then find a reason for it later. It worked with the election."
Bryan Vandervleet, a legal analyst at the Heritage Foundation, is already tackling the tough job of spinning this as a conservative choice. "I understand how those who champion pro-life policies might be concerned about a genocidal ghoul from another dimension on the Supreme Court," he said. "But if you look at his actual history and his own writings on cases, you'll see the Judge always favors the course of action that leads to the most death. Overturning Roe vs. Wade is one way to do that."
The Judge himself was sanguine about the news, saying, "The crimmme isss lifffe - the sssentenccce isss death!"