White House: The First Lady Really Cares About Your 'Stupid' Feelings

Washington, DC -- First lady Melania Trump continued to court controversy this week. After traveling to an immigrant detention center in a "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" jacket, the latest reports now detail her stealing candy from babies and shoving pregnant women down the stairs.

The White House was quick to downplay these incidents. "The First Lady never touched that candy nor did she Sharpie dongs onto the faces of sleeping detainees," said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She further denied having denied that last one.

President Trump created further snarls for the White House in a string of tweets defending Mrs. Trump's actions. "The First Lady knows she will never get a fair shake from the lamestream media. Ivana does her own thing becuz she is real." The President later corrected himself, "I mean Ivanka. Ivanka is the new hotness. #MAGA!!!"

In her own defense in an interview with Fox News, Mrs. Trump only said "YOLO!" before doing a bong rip and blowing the smoke into the face of a caged child.