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Trump Announces Creation of Junk Food Force, Vegans Freak Out

Trump Announces Creation of Junk Food Force, Vegans Freak Out

Just days after announcing the creation of the national Space Force, President Donald Trump has again created an entirely new federal agency. The Junk Food Force will be tasked with “protecting the nation’s supply of junk food from the threat of diseases traditionally found only in produce and other healthy foods.”

Trump made the announcement after Kellogg’s publicly recalled thousands of cases of Honey Smacks cereal because of salmonella contamination. He went on, “The recent incursion of salmonella into the cereal aisle is a threat to the American way of life. If the cereal aisle is not safe, no one is safe. America must know that this uniquely American treat is safe. Our children, cute little kids, eat sugar-laden cereal everyday – we have to protect the children.”  

The mention of Trump’s newfound concern for children raised eyebrows across the room. Before mayhem erupted, Trump quickly continued, “Hey I know children, I am great with children. They love me. I have some myself, four or five, I forget, but I have some myself. Just ask Melania, she keeps up with all the birthdays and stuff. Look, no president has ever done more for children than me. I think of myself as the children’s president.”

 

 

In a bizarre twist, Trump challenged those present to check his reputation with children. “I bet if you Google ‘Trump’ and ‘children,’ you will get 1,000’s of hits, probably millions. What does that tell you? I am the Children’s President. They love me! Some are travelling thousands of miles under terrible conditions just to be near me.”

The president continued by turning the health and food issue into another immigration sounding topic. “This is another border crossing that must be addressed. Salmonella is a vegetarian hippie issue. It belongs in the produce section. Let the salad eaters deal with it. It has no place in the cereal aisle.” When asked if he was worried about vegetarian resistance to his remarks he laughed. “It’s not like vegan and sprout eaters are voting. They are not strong enough to punch the little chads out of the cards.”

Vegetarians of all types were incensed by Trump's remarks. Gloria Ryzome, spokeswoman for the Association of Lettuce Eaters of America and Foreign Lands (“LEAF”), shot back quickly after the press conference. “Just because we chose a healthy diet does not mean we are not people. We are kind, peaceful Americans. Some politicians choose to eat a month’s worth of fat every day and dine from a bucket like a pig. We choose a more humane and dignified palate. And we do vote.”

Trump responded to the remarks. “Here is the problem, the produce section is not sending its best. There are no healthy things leaving the produce section and ending up in our cereal. It is sending disease-ridden green leafy stuff all across the store. The produce section is sending the drug dealers and rapists of the vegetable world into areas where regular God-fearing Americans have to shop. It has moved unchallenged across the grocery stores into those areas that real Americans care about. It has to stop.”

 

 

“I want to stop this illegal and immoral migration of vegetarian bacteria, which I have fought every step of the way. The Democrats don’t care. They are for salmonella and the Salvadoran gangs that support its spread.  I bet MS-13 stands for MORE SALAD…if it was up to the Democrats, we would be eating Salmonella Smacks.”

A review of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) website outlines where salmonella usually strikes. Outbreaks in the last five years have been limited to melons, papayas, alfalfa, cucumbers, bean sprouts and other healthy foods.

President Trump tweeted, “these Vegan Foods are the cause of the trouble. Have you even heard of raw sprouted nut butter spreads? Me neither. But the CDC has twice warned of salmonella contamination into this mysterious vegan treat. We need a wall! We need to make sure that this evil bacterium does not run rampant through the grocery store. What is next? The chip aisle? We are going to have a wall – a great big beautiful wall - right there in the grocery store, and the vegetarians are going to pay for it.”

 

Gerry Mander And The Trumpettes

Gerry Mander And The Trumpettes

President Trump To Enact More Severe Policy Of Prima Nocta For Illegal Immigrants, Blames Obstructionist Independents

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