President Trump To Enact More Severe Policy Of Prima Nocta For Illegal Immigrants, Blames Obstructionist Independents
With controversy swirling, President Donald Trump last week backed down from his hard line immigration policy by signing an executive order ending the separation of undocumented immigrant parents from their children at the border. However, as the president is prone to do, he decided not only to double down but to, in fact, triple down by enacting an even more severe policy for these immigrants. Trump believes this new policy is the best way of dealing with the undocumented immigrant invasion that is currently underway.
During a press conference, Trump stated, "These aren't innocent children being taken away from their parents, they're murderers, rapists and thieves; I mean, they've already crossed the border illegally so you know they're hardened criminals. You know, but Democrats got upset because they want no borders, so I stopped taking the kids away even though there's nothing that I could do about it, but I did, and that's why I'm the greatest president ever!" Trump's new policy is to enact Prima Nocte over all illegal immigrants.
Prima Nocta was a legal right in medieval Europe allowing a lord to have sexual relations with a woman in his land first on her wedding night, before the husband. Trump, who had recently watched the movie Braveheart, became a big fan of this law. "These Immigrants are invading and we are helpless because we have the worst border laws in the world. If we can't separate the kids, or deport everyone, then I think it's a good idea to breed them out." The president continued, "King Edward did it and he was a very powerful leader, I'm a big fan of how everyone kneeled before him when he approached; I want my people to do that for me! But he was a powerful leader, and I think a good guy, and they gave him this cool nickname, Longshanks. So we're going to invoke Prima Nocta to solve our crisis. I'll get dibs on the best looking ones, and then any man wearing a MAGA hat can get in a queue for the rest.
When grilled regarding the barbaric nature of this new policy, Trump stated, "it's not my fault, these are the laws. The Democrats made these laws and obstructionist Independents are making it so that we can't change them." When the press started to get confused, Trump continued, "Republicans could go nuclear in the Senate, but I can't count on McCain's vote or Flake's vote so I need the two Independents, Bernie Sanders and Angus King. But these obstructionist Independents won't let us pass any laws and are nothing but obstructionists. Look, I want these laws to be beautiful, so beautiful, and handsome and even lovely, but I can't because of the Independents. So we're being forced to enact Prima Nocta and I can't do anything to stop it, blame the Independents."
Trump then spent the rest of the press conference discussing his plan to start a U.S. Space Force, with the linchpin for the new force being a new, fully operational Death Star.
Reportedly, the Death Star will feature the Trump brand prominently so targets will know who's destroying their world.