Report: Neil Gorsuch Confirmed Muslim Ban To Keep Somali Pirate Mother-In-Law From July 4th BBQ
Washington, DC -- Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch reportedly based his decision to uphold President Donald Trump’s controversial Muslim travel ban on his desire to prevent his reviled mother-in-law from crashing the family’s yearly 4th of July barbeque in Denver.
Gorsuch’s wife, Jawaahir Abdulghani-Gorsuch, is the daughter of infamous rogue-of-the-sea Beerlula Abdulghani. The ban restricts the travel of noted Somali pirates such as Justice Gorsuch’s mother-in-law. Many legal pundits were flabbergasted Gorsuch did not recuse himself from such a high-profile case brought before the high court.
Insiders are well aware of the chaos the elder Abdulghani brings with her to each Independence Day weekend get-together. Her assorted band of rascals and scallywags is known to walk barefoot through the park, even though it is absolutely littered with small stones and broken glass. They indulge in alcohol even though the public parks strictly forbid this behavior.
“Look, we know Neil is extremely biased here,” said park ranger Scott Bruener. “And heck, we’re with him on this one if it keeps these Somali pirates off the grounds this year. They seem to leave a bit of trash wherever they go.”
Beerlula Abdulghani and her merry band of misfits were not available for comment.