UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

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What Not To Wear: First Lady Edition

What Not To Wear: First Lady Edition

I've never been to Texas, but I hear it's hot. Especially in the summer. If you're planning a trip to Texas in June, you don't need to take a jacket. If you're planning a trip to Texas to visit the two thousand or so children your husband forcibly orphaned, you should avoid wearing a jacket with anything printed on it. 

If you found yourself outraged over Melania Trump's jacket, stop it. Donald Trump is good at one thing: manipulating the media. He used his wife to distract everyone from pictures of toddlers he placed in concentration camps. And yes, that was a horrible thing to do to his wife, but unlike the children her husband forcibly orphaned, Melania is free to leave anytime. Donald Trump does treat his wife poorly, but I really don't care. Do you?

I once worked a temp job at the state treasurer's office, which lasted three months. That is my only experience working in government. Those three months gave me more experience than Trump had when he ran for president. Literally. And I mean literally as it's intended to be used. It seriously annoys me when people use it wrong. For example: “Man, I was so sick the other day. I literally crapped my brains out.” Wrong, dumbass, you figuratively crapped your brains out. Unless your brains actually exited your body via your anus. And if that were the case, I would be both disgusted and fascinated. Which brings me back to Trump.

Trump's lack of understanding as to the inner workings of government has led to some friction with attorney general and former slave owner, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Beauregard recused himself from the Russia investigation. He didn't want to, but he got caught in a lie and realized he had no choice. Beauregard does have a basic understanding of how government and laws work. That's why he's a former slave owner. Trump was counting on Beauregard to have his back with this whole Russia thing, so – friction. Donnie is also slightly miffed as he was hoping to borrow Jeff's slaves. I know what you're thinking. Trump doesn't pay his employees anyway, so why does he need slaves? Unpaid employees are free to quit, unlike slaves.

 

 

Realizing this is probably the last government office he will ever hold and unwilling to pay plantation workers, Beauregard was desperate to get back into Trump's good graces. He hoped to reconnect with Trump through their mutual hatred of immigrants. More specifically, brown immigrants. Beauregard spent many a sleepless night trying to think of a more cruel and unjust immigration policy than that imaginary wall Mexican isn't paying for. However, due to his basic understanding of laws and whatnot, most of his evil plans were not feasible. He'd hit a wall. Pun intended. Ready to throw in the towel, he cuddled up in his favorite bean bag chair with a box of Goldfish Crackers and watched TV. 

As he flipped through the channels he came across a movie called Sophie's Choice. The movie stars an overrated actress named Meryl Streep, whom Trump dislikes bigly. Normally, Beauregard wouldn't have watched it for fear Trump may be spying on him. But believing his relationship with the president was irrevocably damaged, he watch out of pure spite. And that's how Meryl Streep unwittingly became the inspiration for arguably the most heinous scheme perpetrated by the Trump administration yet.

The movie takes place during The Holocaust. Sophie has two children and the Nazis force her to choose one of them to be gassed, or they'll just kill them both. They really don't care. They were just trying to add a little excitement to their jobs. Killing people over and over can become monotonous. Upon seeing this, Beauregard said to himself, “Them Nazis had some good ideas.” He knew he couldn't murder children due to his basic understanding of the law. But he believed there was just enough wiggle room in the law to take children away from their parents and throw them in concentration camps. And thus, The Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Screw The Children Immigration Policy was born.

Parents eagerly bring their children to America in hopes of a better future. Beauregard snatches the children away from their parents the moment they cross the border. The children are then placed in any available empty building. Don't worry. They threw out the homeless people who had been seeking shelter in those abandoned buildings before they abandoned babies in those building. 

I know this may sound heartless, but the parents did enter this country illegally. And that's a misdemeanor. A misdemeanor, as defined by Google, is a minor wrongdoing. So, yeah, it's a bit harsh. We can all take comfort in knowing the people responsible for this atrocity are completely aware it's heartless. That's why they lied to the parents. The Beauregard people took the children away under the pretense of bathing them never to return. Even the Nazis had the balls to tell Meryl Streep they were going to murder her children.

After running out of abandoned Walmarts, Trump built tent cities in the desert to house the two thousand or so children he forcibly orphaned. Much to Trump's dismay, the majority of Americans weren't having it. His basic lack of understanding as to the inner workings of government bit him in the butt. He was forced to sign an executive order vowing to allow children to be with their parents in the concentration camps. And he was not happy about. This added further friction between Trump and Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, but I really don't care. Do you?

The children will carry the burden of this trauma for the remainder of their lives. It seems both Trump and Beauregard fail to comprehend the emotional and psychological scars they are inflicting on these children. Or like the Nazis, they really don't care. The only way to make them care is to show them how this will negatively impact them. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to these feckless.. people.

Dear Feckless Attorney General and/or President,

I recommend you watch a movie called The Princess Bride. As a child, the character of Inigo Montoya saw his father murdered by a six-fingered man. He spent the rest of his life searching for the six-fingered man. He finally caught up with the six-fingered man and said, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Then he killed him. It's an awesome movie.

Anyway, these children you're permanently damaging in the name of Jesus will grow up. And when they do, they're coming for you. I wouldn't be surprised if they mess you up so bad your brains figuratively exit your body via your anus.

Best of Luck,
Jennifer Loy

 

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