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Sessions’ Bible Studies Raises Difficult Questions for Trump

Sessions’ Bible Studies Raises Difficult Questions for Trump

Letter from Llanaber

I believe in a God of some sorts, even though His existence defies modern science and logical thinking. So it was comforting to hear the quietly mad US Attorney General and Adonis, Jeff Sessions, quoting the bible in a political context. 


Why? (I hear you ask).


In order to justify the US administration’s current policy of dragging the children of undocumented illegal immigrants kicking and screaming from their helpless parents’ arms should they get caught. 


I quote the snowy white headed lunatic below verbatim:
“I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes // Our policy that can result in short-term separation of families is not unusual or unjustified.”


It’s not often I can say that pearls of wisdom have dripped from this old duffer’s drawling gob, but in this case I wholeheartedly agree (about the God thing, not the moronic separation of kids from their parents). The snowy-topped ‘sideways glancer’ Sessions seems to be suggesting a pre-ordained modus vivendi straight from the almighty of ‘do as we (the administration) say, for we are the Government and therefore God’s earthly instruments and beyond reproach.’


I couldn’t agree more. It cuts out all this wasted effort by those with a different point of view (i.e. the pesky wet, liberal, left wing, commie, live-on-your-knees, troublemakers and naysayers) and their incessant peeping into dark corners to scrutinize what this administration gets up to.


In fact, the bible thumping AG should have gone further. By this I mean by quoting further from Romans 13, not killing the kids in front of their parents for good measure. 


For example: Romans Chapter 13, verse 1:
“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.”


But hold on! Wouldn’t  this, if followed to the letter, create a problem for the president? 


Surely there are governments around the world, also by definition put there by God, that the American administration isn’t exactly a big fan of? For example Iran, Syria, Yemen, Lebanon, Pakistan, Palestine territories, Tunisia, Slovenia, Sudan, Russia & Soviet aligned countries, Cuba, Venezuela, China and until recently North Korea to name but a few.

 


So, if God put these governments into power, it must follow that any aggressive act towards these countries by the current administration is going against the will of God.


If AG Sessions had quoted from another later verse he would have created yet another moral dilemma, especially for Mr. Trump himself:


Romans, chapter 13, verse 6: 
“This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes;”


No doubt the righteous Mr. Sessions, even as I write, is pressing his slippery, tax law savvy boss, Donald Trump, into publishing his long awaited non-redacted tax returns. Then we can all be reassured the Duck is compliant with God’s will, and coughing up every cent he owes the US government for his obscene earnings from his vast business empire.


It might also have been an embarrassing if the doddering old fart had quoted Romans, chapter 13, verse 13 were it not for his boss’ complete and utter probity:


 “Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.”


It is a matter of record that Donald Trump does not drink, but I know there are some amongst us that are not sure about the rest.


Is he sexually immoral or a debaucher? 


I for one am convinced that he is not; otherwise God would never have made him the boss of America. It therefore follows that he could never have laid so much as a stray lip on the shy, demure Stormy Daniels. He could have saved himself the 130,000 smackers he bunged her to keep her face-hole shut if he’d just have trusted in the Lord.


Is he prone to dissention and jealousy?


Obviously not. The constant barrage of positivity that comes from his tweets, frequently praising those that may not see eye to eye with him, stands as testimony to that.


All I can say is ‘well done God’ for getting it right and putting Donald Trump into office as The President of the United States.


That said, if when Robert Mueller publishes the results of his enquiries, it transpires it wasn’t so much the hand of God as the interfering hands of a certain bald headed Russian that nobbled the election in 2016. If it was Putin that helped squeeze the Duck into office, then what bible quoting spin will Mr. Sessions put on that?


It must be a worrying time for Mr. Trump having that report hanging over him like the sword of Damocles. If I can offer you my humble advice, Mr. President? Don’t worry. Take heart, stay cool, hold your nerve and start praying. 


Heed ye the words of Philippians, chapter 4, verses 6:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”


You never know your luck. He just might hear your prayers and, through his omnipotence, empower ‘Vlad the bad’ to swing into action again and get one of his henchmen to smear ‘an unknown substance’ on Mr. Mueller’s front door before the report gets published.


From my part I know that I will be facing another sleepless night tonight. If the words of the religious nut job (where have I heard that phrase before?) Sessions ever reach the ears of my esteemed leader, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, then the village is in for a shaky future. 


It’s bad enough that she is so self-deluded that she believes she won the 2016 Llanaber council leader election fair and square. It’s common knowledge that ‘the beast from the east’ Putin Lotzadosh nobbled the result by bribing voters with free goes on the penny falls machines in his arcade. If she finds out it was God himself that put her into power, and what’s more, to challenge anything she does is going against God’s will, then I fear for the pittance still remaining in the village hospital’s budget. Also, I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the long term prospects of her defeated opponent, old Mrs. Clinton who runs the village card shop.


As I’ve said before, Mrs. T has a long memory and bears grudges.


That’s it for now.


Cheerio!

 

 

We've uncovered another Letter from Llanaber:

Kelly Craft Death Threat Powder Could Be Skin Flakes

There was a report on the parish news feed ticker tape this morning that US Ambassador to Canada, Kelly Craft, has received death threats. It was reported that a package containing white powder and a threatening letter peppered with expletives was sent to the lady in question. 


Pundits with their head stuck up their bottoms have put this down to the spitting contest currently taking place between the shy and retiring Braniac and anorexia denier, Donald Trump, and his opposite number up in Mounty-County, the effete Justin Trudeau.


I think these so called news buffs have got it completely wrong. 


It is obvious to me who is behind this nasty, cowardly little trick. Think, dear reader, outside the proverbial box full of white powder. Who would wish harm upon this harmless dishy diplomat?


Who indeed! There is a school of thought that the prank is nothing more than another of Donald’s reverse back-shaftings. By this I mean the Duck himself, or one of his henchmen, sent the parcel. 


But why? (I hear you ask).


Obviously, to encourage more patriotic rabid right wingers to get off their lazy butts and do something nasty to a Canadian in retaliation. It’s a simple call to arms by the president.


But who sent it? (I hear you ask again).


Perhaps some dumb as a brick (where have I heard that phrase before?) redneck Trump obsessive, like, for example, Steve Bannon? 


Or perhaps one of Donald Trump’s ‘bagmen,’ i.e. someone well practiced in doing the cheese-ball headed mega-brain’s dirty work? Here I’m thinking of someone like Michael Cohen?


Or could it have been one of the big hitters who ‘sit on Donald Trump’s right hand?’ Here I’m thinking of the ‘loudmouthed fart’ John Bolton and the ‘Albino lizard’ Mike Pence, or perhaps even Mr. Body-Beautiful himself, Jeff Sessions? (Please note I do not point the finger of blame at poor old addled brained Rudy Giuliani here.  He’s been getting it wrong a lot lately. If it had been him, he would probably have sent the parcel to Stormy Daniels by mistake, and have written his name and address on the back).


Then there is the possibility that Kelly Craft posted the thing to herself. 


Why not? It’s plausible. 


The woman could be an insecure attention seeker, or a death’s head fanatic career diplomat, a rare breed, desperate to climb to the top of the diplomatic greasy pole. The sympathy generated towards her following a death threat would give her career a nice little boost. She is already the Canadian ambassador for the US. Could there be a higher post on the diplomatic hierarchical ladder than Canada?


Yes, of course there is. 


Antigua and Barbuda!


Why? Canada’s a rotten posting. It’s a freezing cold dottle-hole, culture desert and full of towns where there’s only one surname. Antigua and Barbuda by contrast has cheap booze, sandy beaches, carnivals every other day, hunky men and best of all, great weather (bar the hurricanes), and all of this with the added bonus of not having an over-bloated, over-sexed, ham fisted ego-monster of a boss slobbering all over you. Trump would never dream of attending summits in ‘sh*thole countries’ like these. 


But I for one do not for one second believe any of the above theories. Which brings me to my point, i.e. who really did sent the nasty parcel?


There is no doubt about it in my mind the ‘box of bile’ was sent by none other than Melanie Trump! 


There, it’s out.


Once the forensic genii (or is it geniuses?) have completed their analysis, they will undoubtedly discover that the white powder is nothing more than dead skin flakes. I refer here to the natural exfoliation that constantly flutters from the face of the President’s gastric banded and ‘lingerie model potential’ wife.


Let me paint the scenario for you.


Melanie is at home sitting on the settee under a blanket, recovering from her gastric band operation and having seven shades of dottle knocked out of her by her chubby-hubby after she queried why she was mysteriously $130,000 down in her housekeeping. She idly switches on the TV and channel hops while reading about herself in Maxim’s Top 100 ‘list of hotties.’ The channel alights on the arrival of her husband at the G7 meeting. The news article catches her attention and, with a super-human effort, she manages momentarily to tear her eyes away from admiring her pictures in the shag-rag to watch the news article. There she sees her cuddly butterball of a husband stumble down the steps of the posh US tax payer funded plane straight into the arms of another woman! What’s more, no sooner has the wobbly Braniac recovered his balance from the challenge of the steps than he starts slobbering over the hot diplo-tottie. In an instant she is beside herself with jealousy and rage.

 


There, in front of the world’s media, she suffers the penultimate humiliation - her husband snogging another brainy-babe in public! (N.B. The ultimate humiliation is, of course, having your husband bung a porn queen $130,000 to keep her mouth, if not her legs, shut).


Melanie is incandescent. She must have her revenge! She drags her skinny carcass off her sick bed and stumbles to her posh bureau and there she scribbles the ‘string of vile consciousness’ letter to her nemesis Kelly Craft. Her head is shaking with rage as each repugnant word scratched out is torn from her soul. Hence, dear reader, the copious amounts of white powder.


For now I rest my case. In time the truth will ‘out’ and my theory of who is the perpetrator of this outrage against Kelly Craft will be proven correct.


But what about justice? (I hear you ask yet again).


Melanie Trump is a powerful lady, true, but no one, not even her, should be above the law. Appropriate punishment should be meted out justly and proportionately, no matter what ones position in the societal hierarchy. Even the most powerful must bend their knee to the overarching might of the laws of the land.


I am a great believer that the punishment should fit the crime. In this case I believe it would be highly appropriate for Kelly Craft to write down a few nasty comments about Melanie’s robot face on a sheet of A4 paper, liberally sprinkle the letter with expletives and put it in a cardboard box. Then Ms. (or is it Mrs.?) Craft should fill the remaining space in the box with dandruff and fluff from her navel, and then post the vile bloody thing to Melanie.


Let me add one more comment about crime and punishment. 


I genuinely believe that making the punishment fit the crime would have been adopted as the most appropriate system of administering justice throughout the world had it not been for one unsolvable problem. 


How do you punish a flasher?


That’s it for now.


Cheerio!

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-2.0-SA

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