Satan Changes Name To Tom Hanks: Follows Monsanto's Lead
In a surprise move, the Prince of Darkness himself has legally changed his name. He will now go by the name of the beloved and universally known actor, Tom Hanks. This surprise move has come on the backbone of his recent campaign to clean up a tarnished public image. His camp hopes that by adopting such a familiar and much-loved moniker he will be able to gain the good-standing and admiration that has for some time escaped him. “He’s really a pretty good guy. Sure, there have been some pretty ugly scandals in the past, but come on. It’s 2018 already. He means well,” said a source close to the devil’s camp that has chosen to remain anonymous. An official statement released from Satan’s public relations team said the following:
“It is 2018. We as a people need to move past tired stereotypes. Satan is not the same entity he was in antiquity. In the interest of moving forward, turning over a new leaf, it has been decided that he will now go by Tom Hanks. We feel his vision is much more in line with that of the actor Tom Hanks’, and with this new name alignment people will be able to approach the devil more willingly, and in a more open minded manner.“
Critics contend the change is merely superficial, and that none of Tom Hanks’ policy will actually shift in the more welcoming direction. “There will still be the same fire and brimstone, mark my words,” steamed popular anti-devil activist Pope Francis. “He is just trying to ride the coattails of such a well loved name. He has stolen a page from Monsanto’s playbook.” Anti-Satanic activists are not sold on the devil’s new public image, comparing the move to that of wildly unpopular agro-pharma giant Monsanto, which recently merged with Bayer Pharmaceuticals and adopted the Bayer name.
Monsanto has also frequently been compared to Satan, largely due to aggressive tactics aimed at shutting down small-scale farm operations, as well as what some pundits have called “reckless and thoughtless manipulation of genetic material with no thought to long term consequence.” Many believe that Satan has attempted to mirror the intended effect of the Monsanto-Bayer merger, hiding the negative aspects of his past under the wool of Tom Hanks’ good name. Satan’s move is all the more suspicious in that it comes fresh on the heels of the emergence of tabloid photos showing Monsanto execs partying with Satan on a recent trip to his home town of Reno.
While the motivation between these two high-profile name changes remains in the realm of speculation, both camps continue to maintain their moves are unrelated and that both entities do “mean well” anyways.
The actor known as Tom Hanks was unable to be reached for comment.
Photo by Dick Thomas Johnson || CC-BY-SA-2.5