Nobel Peace Prize Committee's Letter To Donald Trump
“For the greatest benefit to mankind”
DEN NORSKE NOBELKOMITE
The Norwegian Nobel Committee
June 20, 2018
To: Mr. Donald Trump,
President of the former
United States of America
From: The Norwegian Nobel Committee
Re: Your Nobel Peace Prize
To begin, please pardon the informal salutation. We must explain the exclusion of your purported title. We, the Norwegian Nobel Committee, are utilizing the third-person appellation you yourself use. It seems to be in your nature to omit the title of “president” in the myriad of self-referential diatribes you spew and, as such, we have taken our cue from you and refer to you simply as “Trump.” (The capitalisation a matter of appropriate rules of grammar and punctuation and in no way used in reverence to you or your kin.)
The purpose of this letter is to address the potential nomination of Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. We find no reason to vacillate on this point, so allow us to state unequivocally: It ain’t gonna happen, brah.
To be clear, we at the Norwegian Nobel Committee have always ensured, first, that the recipient of this award, in the past, has to date always been a person who has furthered mankind in a manner which could, potentially, bring us closer together as a species (Yes, yes, we may have had a misstep in the past with Messrs. Arafat and Kissinger and possibly the guy who liked cutting out people’s brains, but, and we hope the irony here is not lost on you, we believe we are never too old to learn new things). Which brings us to a grander, and yet also more cogent, point: Our use of the word “person” above. Yes, said recipient has, to date, always been a human.
With your strange alien complexion and a torso that looks more akin to a dozen dead turtles stuffed into a pillow case than it does a human body, never mind the spoilt dried muesli atop your head, which is clearly as natural as one of those popular blue cola drinks your countrymen so enjoy, we cannot 100 percent be certain of your species.
However, this only compromises a minor guideline of incredible minutiae within the stated rules of which the Norwegian Nobel Committee follows and would not, in truth, find as a reason to disqualify you, sir, for a Nobel Peace Prize.
That disqualification, in part, comes from your spurious accusations that Mexico, as a nation, is “sending” to the United States “murderers and rapists.” As if a nation, or leaders of said, would coordinate a shipment like nothing more than a Prime Shipping promotion from Amazon. That aside, the very idea that you would stoke the fear of the feeble-minded or, as you like to call them, the “uneducated” (or as we like to call them: Americans -- LOL), is enough to disqualify you.
However, that is only one infraction, and the Norwegian Nobel Committee would not, in truth, use just one stray thought or idea to disqualify you, sir, for a Nobel Peace Prize. (After all, President Obama approved both fracking and the renewal of the “Patriot Act,” and we totally gave him one. In truth, that one was just for us. We found the responses on Fox News incredibly humourous.)
Your banning of a certain religion from entering the U.S., which ensured further disdain of the United States by those in countries in ongoing political upheaval, was not only an offense to this committee but to humanity. Fostered even further by the fact that the countries you chose to ban were, A. Not related to any terrorist attacks in the United States, and B. All coincidentally were countries in which you and your family had no business interests (unlike Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and the United Arab Emirates, where you’ve personal stakes and terrorists and terrorist organisations have been known to reside), it most certainly did not reflect well on you or bolster your chances at being awarded a prize for that which we refer to as “peace.”
As you and your hollow-headed followers continue to lobby for a Nobel Peace Prize, it would seem that now mayhap a good time to remind your staff that quoting the Bible to further the suffering of families seeking asylum, or those just simply trying to escape to a place once described as one in which “the streets are paved with gold” (which, coincidentally, describes the pathway from your bedroom to your bathroom -- bahdum-bum-pow!), is also not the best way to ingratiate oneself to the Nobel Peace Prize committee, a committee which does indeed enjoy the occasional onomatopoeia.
While we do not wish to disparage any, nor even every, aspect of your meeting with Kim Jong Un, and the ongoing dialogue and movement in the peace process, it should be noted that previous U.S. presidents would not have agreed to the presentation of U.S. and North Korea flags side by side; nor would they have saluted foreign military generals. These actions fall under “necessary preconditions” and “bald-faced stupidity” respectively.
Also, as many of your country’s statesmen and pundits have noted, by calling off your own military’s exercises with South Korea, its partner in peace -- that being the keyword here, hombre -- you gave a dictator fantastic talking points to bolster his propaganda machine and gave China and North Korea a gift. (We feel we would be remiss if we did not point out at the following: North Korea is the country on the map that is just below South Korea, the Korea which is your ally and partner. You’re supposed to like allies. “Ally” is, like, another word for “friend.” Friends are people one associates with because they have common likes or beliefs. Beliefs, by the by, are a set of convictions one holds as personal guidelines for how they live their life. Life, it seems necessary to mention, is the state of existing, breathing, and experiencing, often with great enjoyment or despair, the world around one self [That last bit was for Stephen Miller, your undead administrative assistant or whatever it is he does for now, you know, until his likely incarceration as a result of him getting caught suckling the blood from thousands of innocent, angelic kittens]).
There is also the matter of your comments on women. Putting aside the fact that it took just one revolting, and likely true, story about Chris Hardwick to end his fandomination status, you, sir, have somehow avoided such issues in spite of 16 accusers, all of which you call liars. We at the committee find these allegations to be completely unfair. That is to say, the fact that you admitted on tape to doing the exact thing of which they accuse you, we find the allegations that they are the liars terribly unfair (especially in light of your fish story about Korean War parents; whatever hash you’re smoking, sir, we too would like to partake).
Right here would be a fantastic opportunity to point out that, in 2014, the Nobel Laureate was someone named Malala Yousafzai. Should you find a free moment in between tweets to Kanye or those who are “bleeding from their face,” we recommend you look her up (your phone has that function as well, sir). Not only is she a young woman, raised poor in a country that is, what some might call, “s*hole adjacent,” but she’s an intelligent, educated brown person who’s also Muslim. It’s very possibly every single thing you tend to, as far as we can discern, despise about people all in one astounding human being. A human being who, by the way, received a Nobel Peace Prize, in case that was unclear.
In sum, Trump, this committee will be unable to award, nay even consider, you for a Nobel Peace Prize until you have, in some manner, proven that you value life and humanity. Should you actually choose to “make America great again,” we would encourage you to, 1. Re-define your own personal understanding of “great” and “again” (Never mind “America,” which itself is a large continent consisting of many countries, not just the United States). And 2. Once done with suggestion 1, feel free to bring that greatness to the world, including the rare and endangered animals your friends and children murder wantonly -- ’cause that stuff also counts, man.
Until then, the Norwegian Nobel Committee would like to invite you to otherwise go back to whatever feckless coterie of NYC demon-spawn that spat (or rhymes with "spat") you out. You’re bad for humanity. Also bad for orange, bloated, bloviating, soulless fish/mammal creatures. Thank you, sir, for your time and purported basic reading comprehension.
The Norwegian Nobel Committee,
1 Nobel Pl.,