UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion

An alarming uptick in cases of spontaneous human combustion among Americans citizens is reportedly due mostly from anger at the policies of President Donald Trump and a Republican led Congress, this according to an explosive study by a leading California think-tank.


Owen Richards, chief analyst at More On, said there have been 34 documented instances in the United States of unintended denotations within the last eighteen months. “That’s an incredible amount when you consider that in the last three hundred years or so there have only been about 200 reputable cases recorded.


“Reports of spontaneous human combustion are rare and easily discounted. However, the recent flare-ups appear to be genuine and the numbers seem to be skyrocking,” Richards said.


According to the report, the vast majority of combustion victims were Caucasian middle to upper class females with college or doctorate degrees, active in the PTA or charitable organizations and read two or more newspapers a day. Most ranged in age from early forties to late seventies and lived or had lived in a major metropolitan area.


“From interviews and background searches we discovered many had voiced strong liberal opinion on social media, Facebook, Twitter and some others. Many had dropped their on line accounts after the election, brought them back and dropped them again, so on and so forth,” Richards said.


Others cases cited in the article included a man in his early fifties who exploded in his car on a Los Angeles freeway during morning rush hour, a thirty-six year-old woman who lit up the break room of the cable company where she worked as a customer service representative and a reporter covering the White House.


The report notes that some Americans who suddenly burst into flames would have likely died from natural causes in about the same time frame. But, rather than go relatively peacefully from your average stroke, heart attack, terminal illness or gunshot, the study concluded it was a combustive mix of pent-up frustration and absolute rage at the current state of affairs that killed them.


According to Richards, “These people have both literally and figuratively gone past their boiling points. All it takes is hearing one more stupid comment or decision out of our capital to ignite them. Once their bodies begin to spark, they light up articles of clothing, furniture and any nearby pets.”


“That may explain, “added Richards, “why this study was ordered and commissioned by the American Kennel Club.”

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore  ||  CC-BY-SA 2.0

NFL Institutes New No-Thinking Policy For Players

NFL Institutes New No-Thinking Policy For Players

Scientist Search For Nessie At Odds With My Search for Love

Scientist Search For Nessie At Odds With My Search for Love