We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.


Scientist Search For Nessie At Odds With My Search for Love

Scientist Search For Nessie At Odds With My Search for Love

As previous expeditions relying on spyglasses and old-timey dive suits --you know the ones with the scary fish bowl head piece and air tubes held at the surface by some jabroni from the marina named Tuna Mike?-- proved fruitless in locating the Loch Ness monster decades ago, so have recent studies utilizing sonar and satellite mapping. Some people look at past failure as a sign that nothing is in there. An international team of scientists look at these failures and say, “what if it’s poop is in the water and we find it like that?”

Under the guise of “scientific inquiry,” researchers plan to use environmental DNA sequencing techniques to settle the Nessie debate once and for all, and to justify their decision to go to grad school in the first place.

How about I save us all some time and money right now? I saw her. I saw Nessie, and every day since then I’ve wished I never did.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. She was stunning. You’d be lucky to see an Elasmosaurus like that once or twice in your life, so you sure as hell better make the most of it. Her elegant neck looked like it had at least 50 neck vertebrae. She’d later tell me that it actually contains 72 which is the most of any animal. 

Trying to be smooth, I asked what she was drinking.

“Nothing tonight, sugar. I’m sticking with a light meal of small fish and marine invertebrates. Maybe a little something sweet for desert,” she said with a wink. She had me then and there. The next years of my life were a blur of passion and fiery emotion that few people or lake monsters understand. It could never last.

We can’t be sure she’s still in Loch Ness. She could be over at Loch Lochy or Loch Arkaig hanging with her monster friends. She used to love going to Loch Lochy, and I would go with her though I felt out of place. I wanted to show her that I cared, that I was willing to go outside my comfort zone and into the depths of a 42 degree Scottish inlet of the North Sea for her. She never wanted to go to my bars. 

“Would it kill you to come to my favorite place once?” I’d ask.

“Probably,” she’d say. “My musculature and body mass are distributed for aquatic living, and if I went on land, most of my organs would collapse and my neck would snap.” That old line...

God, how we used to fight. Love will do that to you. The fights would get passionate. A little too passionate, you might say. Things were said and things were done that changed the relationship forever. 


“You know you’re just like your mother?” I said once. Nessie didn’t care for that comment. Have you ever been hit by the pelvic fin of a 2 and a half ton sea monster? She would always say she was 2 tons, but I saw the paleontological paper describing her species. I know the truth.

Why do we even care what she’s up to? Sure, we haven’t heard from Nessie in a while, but if she hasn’t reached out to me, then I shouldn’t feel obligated to reach out to her. Right?

I saw her most recent post, and I couldn’t decide if I should like it or not. We said we didn’t want it to be weird. I figured the least weird thing would be to throw a doubletap her way, so she knows I’m ok--that it’s all good in this hood.

It’s not.

God, I wish I hadn’t liked it. I should have hidden her from my feed like all my friends told me to.

Scientists are expect to publish their findings some time in the next year, and if they hear from Nessie...tell her I miss her.

Photo by StaraBlazkova at Czech Wikipedia  ||  CC-BY-SA 3.0

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Trump Election Seen As Reason For Eruption Of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Putin Nuclear Summit In The Cards

Putin Nuclear Summit In The Cards